Who Am I
by DanaDanoushka
Summary: Set after "Born Into Bad News". My take on what happens after Erin quits Intelligence and how the people around her react and try to save her from herself. Linstead shipper for life. *ON HOLD*
1. It wouldn't matter

**A/N: Hello again. I decided to write down my thoughts about what Erin's life might look like after she quits Intelligence in 2x23. This is just one of the endless possibilities but I kinda like it so I gave it a shot. I started this before the promo was released and I read some spoilers like the one about Jay confronting Erin in front of a club about her quitting. Of course these things influence me but I try my best to use my own words and ideas.**

 **I think this is gonna be about 5 chapters long and I definitely plan to have this completed by Sept 30 cause I just know I won't be able to write anything after knowing what's really gonna happen. So I'll try to update one or two chapters per weekend.**

 **And remember, it's only 24 days until 301! *squeals in excitement and anticipation***

 **-Dana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned characters. Wish I did though.**

* * *

 **Who Am I**

 **Chapter 1:** **It wouldn't matter**

 ** _(Erin's P.O.V.)_**

A loud noise very close to her ear woke Erin with a start. Her head shot up from where it had rested on her arms on the table and she looked around, confused what had disturbed her. Finally, her gaze found her mother standing right next to her, an apologetic smile on her face and a few empty shot glasses in her hand.

"I'm so sorry, Erin. I wanted to clean up a bit and knocked over a bottle."

Taking a deep breath, Erin just nodded at her and shut her eyes for a second as suddenly, a wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm her. She rubbed her eye with the back of her hand, trying to ignore her upset stomach and dizzy mind.

"It's all right, mom", she managed to say after a moment. But her voice was so husky and hoarse that it was a miracle her mother even understood what she had said.

"I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to wake you", Bunny repeated.

"Um, what time is it?" Erin ignored her mother's words and sat up, clumsily stretching her sore arms a little. Her whole body ached from the position she'd passed out in.

"It's around 3am." Bunny started picking up another glass. "Can I get you anything else?" Erin didn't really listen to her mother's question. Her fuzzy thoughts were already focused on finding a more comfortable place than this wooden table to sleep.

"I think I'm gonna head to my apartment for tonight." Erin slurred, looking around at the other people in the bar. It was a rather quiet night with a group of girls doing shots in the corner and mostly middle-aged men drinking beer together. No one she might even have the slightest bit of interest in.

"You sure? You know you can always stay at my place in your room. It's been nice with you around."

"Nah, I'm good. 'n my apartment's closer." Erin searched for her coat only to notice that she had been sitting on it the whole time. At least it wasn't as sticky from the spilled booze on the table as her shirt.

"But I could call you a cab?" Of course Bunny tried everything to maintain a little control over her but Erin was not in the mood to discuss this with her. Plus she didn't want to waste any money on a cab. The free booze was great but she needed the money she had left for…other things. And she didn't want to walk all the way to her mom's house now, especially because she was still pretty drunk and who knows what else she might have taken. She certainly didn't remember.

"Just let it go, mom." With that, Erin managed to get up, put on her coat and stumble past her mother to the door, not even bothering to listen to whatever she was calling after her.

As soon as she stepped out of the bar, Erin started walking in the direction of her apartment. It were only a few blocks and no matter how drunk she was, she had always found her way back there in the past. As she felt the cold night air on her skin, she shivered and immediately tightened her coat around her small frame. She wrapped her arms around her torso and continued through the lonely streets.

Soon, she noticed that all this movement was doing no good to her stomach and the dizziness she had felt in Bunny's bar was returning despite the fresh air out here. Erin only made it to the next alley before she had to bend over, clutching her middle, to empty the few contents of her stomach behind a light post. When she was done, she leaned against the wall for support and took a few deep breaths to calm herself.

Feeling exhausted, she slid down to the ground and sat in the dirt. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, resting her head on top of it. She closed her eyes for a moment and thought about just sleeping right there in that alley. It wouldn't matter. No one expected her home, no one even knew where she was right now. And Bunny certainly wouldn't even care. Just like when she was a kid.

But somewhere deep inside of her she knew she couldn't bring herself to actually stay here. She couldn't be the girl sleeping in the street again. It would make everything more real and she wasn't ready for that. She didn't want to deal with it. The lone thought of it triggered a distant memory or rather a very bad feeling she didn't want to relive. She shivered again and felt her heart rate quicken, not quite understanding that sudden wave of panic and anxiety in her buzzed state.

Erin quickly got up on her feet again and made her way out of there as fast as possible. She almost ran into a trashcan on the next corner as she hurried home.

When Erin finally arrived at her apartment, she was surprised to find her key still in the inside pocket of her coat. She managed to open the door after only two attempts and quickly got inside, turning on the lights. She knew all too well why she had avoided this place for over a week now. After the attack from those dirty cops who tried to kill her and Landon she had never cleaned the place. She had left it as a crime scene that night.

But as she headed to her living room, she stopped in her tracks, frozen in place. It wasn't messy anymore. The broken lamp was gone and Landon's blood on the couch had been removed. She raised an eyebrow but didn't really care at this point why everything was back to how it was before the attack. She just shrugged and got out of her coat and boots, dropping everything right where she stood. She almost fell over the coffee table on her way to her bedroom but managed to catch herself on the couch. Annoyed by her drunken clumsiness, she finally made her way over to her bedroom.

When she reached the foot of her bed, she simply took off her shirt, bra and pants, threw the clothes on the floor and crawled into bed in just her panties. She could care less to put on some decent sleeping clothing at this point. And as soon as her head hit the pillow, she drifted off into a deep slumber.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think in the comment box :) The next chapter will contain a nice flashback I'm quite proud of and I only need to edit it, so it should be up until Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on my free time since school started again. :(**


	2. Gone too far

**A/N: Hey, me again. I know I said this is gonna be up tomorrow or something but I decided to upload it early since I won't have too much time this week. This chapter was really fun to write cause I got to explore Erin's past a little and it was supposed to be part of chapter 1 but it was way too long and I figured it's better to divide it into two parts. I hope you agree. :)**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: 22 DAYS UNTIL SEASON3!**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Gone too far**

 _ **(Erin's P.O.V.)**_

The next day, Erin woke to the sound of her phone buzzing. But instead of trying to answer it, she only grabbed her pillow and put it over her ears, beyond annoyed as her head was hurting enough without the extra noise. When it eventually stopped ringing, Erin didn't even bother to see who had called her. Instead, she just yawned and removed the pillow, taking a careful look at her surroundings. She almost smiled a little at the thought of not having to sneak out of some stranger's apartment for once. Almost. She was in her own bed, not remembering how she even got here. She was all alone and struggling to decide if this was a good or a bad thing to be alone with her thoughts for the first time in weeks.

She slowly sat up and glanced at the clock on her nightstand with tired eyes. It was almost 3pm. Groaning, she got out of bed trying not to trip over the clothes on the floor and shuffled to the bathroom to freshen up a bit.

Erin avoided looking in the mirror as she stripped out of her underwear and stepped in the shower. When the hot water made contact with her sore body, she winced a bit but soon, she noticed how the warmth soothed her aching muscles a little. She stood there for half an hour, too exhausted and lazy to get out. But then her stomach growled really loudly and she decided she could search her apartment for some food. She couldn't even remember the last time she had eaten so it was no surprise that she felt like she was about to starve. Again, she avoided the mirror as she got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself.

She quickly threw on some clean clothes and headed to her living room, her damp hair softly falling on her shoulders. Her headache was bothering her more and more, so she made her way straight to her coat on the couch. She rummaged through the pockets until she found what she was looking for: a small plastic baggie with white powder in it. The fastest way to numb any pain. Currently, it was her best friend.

Soon, the baggie was empty and she let out a deep breath, looking forward to the familiar high. She turned around to her kitchen remembering her initial thought of finding something to eat, when she noticed the box on her kitchen counter. Curious, Erin approached it and opened it with her cold fingers. It was her stuff from her locker at the precinct. She looked around her apartment and remembered how clean it had been when she arrived. She figured the same person must've brought her stuff in here. She didn't really care about the box and the few belongings in it, but the knowledge that somebody had been in here made her uncomfortable. Especially since she had a pretty good guess who it might have been, since exactly two people had a spare key to her apartment and one of them was dead.

She was about to go to the fridge, when she noticed the small piece of paper on the counter next to the box. She stepped a little closer and recognized it immediately. It was Voight's card. The exact same card he had given her when she was just a teenager. She froze on the spot and inevitably remembered the day she had called him for help, the day that had changed her life.

 _"Finally!"_

 _Charlie immediately looked up when 15-year-old Erin opened the door to their small apartment. Her pale face lit up a little when she saw him casually sitting on the shabby couch with a beer._

 _"Where the hell were you, Erin? I've been here for over an hour."_

 _"That's none of your business." She simply replied, putting her hands in her pockets as she sat down on the armrest and put her bag on the floor._

 _"Excuse me? I'm busting my ass off at my new crappy job – for both of us by the way– and then I get home and-"_

 _"Geez. Relax, man. I'm sorry." Erin held up her hands in defense, wondering how many beers he might have already had._

 _"Whatever…so, where is the stuff? Come on, girl." He leaned forward and tried to take the backpack from her but she quickly stood up, holding it out of reach. Confused, he stared at her, but Erin averted her eyes._

 _"Look, Charlie", she began and nervously shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "I couldn't get you what you wanted", she finally mumbled._

 _"You what?!" He exclaimed. "I said I needed more today!"_

 _"I know! I'm sorry. But since, you know, Officer Langston knows our spot now and I'm sure he could tell Voight all about it, I gotta be more careful. You of all people should get that!"_

 _"You serious, Erin? Since when do you care about cops?" Charlie got to his feet, the beer still in his hands._

 _"Hey, I tried to get it but it wasn't safe. I can't have that Voight guy on my tail again. I can't screw things up with him. We need the extra money." The truth was, she felt like she owed him. Detective Voight had caught her selling drugs on the street a couple months ago but he hadn't arrested her. She wasn't sure why but she felt like she didn't want to disappoint him. She had never told Charlie about this though. He only knew she gave that cop some intel from time to time, for cash. "I'm meeting up with him next week again and I don't plan on doing so in handcuffs. I gotta be careful with him. You know that!" She took a deep breath but continued before Charlie could say anything. "But I'll go get some tonight. I told you about that guy who owes me big time. I'll see him tonight, promise." Erin grabbed her backpack and pulled out a bottle of tequila to show him. "For now, I thought we could just do some shots." She looked at him, waiting for his reaction. His face turned red and he looked like he was about to explode._

 _"Are you freakin' kidding me, Erin? That money wasn't meant for freakin' booze! You keep using me! When I think about the crap you and Annie pulled this summer-"_

 _"I know, I screwed up again but as I said-"_

 _"No! I'm tired of this!" He forgot all about the bottle in his hand and dropped it before he grabbed her arms, pushing her backwards until she was pinned against the wall. She was tiny compared to him and too stunned by his outburst to fight back._

 _"I'm sick of being the idiot who always takes the rap for your screw ups!" His face was mere inches from hers as he tightened his grip on her upper arms and squeezed her against the wall._

 _"Charlie! What the hell, man?" With all her might, she managed to kick him in the gut with her boot and he finally let go. He tumbled backwards, holding his middle._

 _"That's it, girl." In a matter of seconds, he was back in front of her, his arm raised and she could only close her eyes before his fist made contact with her cheek. Erin was sent flying against the wall, hitting her head in the process. Her vision was blurry for a moment and her knees started to buckle as she slid down to the floor._

 _She struggled to get up but she already saw Charlie approaching her again. She stumbled backwards to the door. But it was no use. Charlie grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards the couch._

 _"Stop it, Charlie!"_

 _She yanked her arm free and escaped his grip once again but he picked up the beer bottle from the floor and threw it in her direction. Erin tried to duck but it hit her shoulder nevertheless. She screamed and almost fell down but she somehow managed to stay upright at the last second. Ignoring the sharp pain, she ran for the door again and this time, she was quicker than Charlie and got out. She hurried down the stairs until she reached the door and ran out of the building._

 _She kept walking through the streets, afraid that Charlie might follow her. But when the pain got too overwhelming, tears started to form in her eyes. She didn't allow them to actually fall though. Instead, she hid in the nearest alley and leaned against the cold wall. She took a couple deep breaths and brought a hand to her aching shoulder, wincing. She figured it was best to assess the damage first before she decided what to do next. So, she slowly began to remove_ _her jacket and rolled up the sleeves of her shirt to reveal hand shaped marks on both her arms, still red. She brought a hand to her face and carefully touched her cheek and lip. It came away a little bloody and she could already feel a slight swelling under her right eye. As for her shoulder, it looked like she had been hit by a truck, not a beer bottle. There was a large, purple area around her collarbone and she prayed it wasn't broken. She couldn't afford a visit to the doctor. But she knew a guy who might give her an opinion on this tomorrow. For now, all she could do was try not to move her left arm too much._

 _As she continued down the street, hiding her face as best as she could in the hood of her jacket while still holding her bruised shoulder, Erin couldn't get the image of Charlie's face out of her head. She had seen him mad before on countless occasions, had watched him beat up a couple guys, but he had never seriously hurt her. Sure, he had slapped her after finding out about Sandoval, but honestly, she deserved that one. But this? She couldn't believe this had really happened. The tears that had formed in her eyes threatened to fall. He said he loved her. And she, the idiot that she was, had believed every word._

 _The emotions she had tried so hard to suppress surfaced and a lone tear rolled down her bruised cheek. She quickly wiped it away, afraid that someone might have caught her moment of vulnerability. She couldn't show any sign of weakness. Where she came from, the weak never got very far. There was simply no space for that if you wanted to survive in this part of the city._

 _Night started to fall over Chicago and young Erin was still wandering around, lost, hurt and nowhere to go. After another two blocks, the sharp pain in her shoulder made her search for somewhere to rest. She sat on an empty bench next to a long abandoned candy shop, wincing, and closed her eyes. She had reached a point where she had not one single person in her life that she could return to. Annie had her own problems, she didn't even know if her mom was still alive, her brother was god knows where and Charlie had just beat her up._

 _This couldn't be it. This couldn't be how the rest of her life would look like. All she had ever done was cause trouble or deal with the crap that other people threw at her. Hell, the one person that had ever treated her like a decent human being was a_ cop _. The rest of the world saw her as another worthless piece of trash the Chicago streets had to offer._

 _And in that moment, the small piece of paper in her jacket grew heavier than ever. With trembling fingers, she pulled out the card and inspected it. She read the name over and over again._ Detective Henry Voight _._ _There was also his number. Voight had given it to her about 3 months ago. She had kept the card all this time but she would never admit that she had thought about calling him before. But the truth was, she had. She had wondered if he could make a difference. She had asked herself if he was right with what he said. If she could do better. He had offered to help her, whenever she was ready to accept a little guidance._

 _She needed to get away from all this crap. From Charlie. She had never felt safe in her entire life but now she felt truly lost. So she made a decision. She stood up and headed down the streets until she stood in front of the next payphone. She stood there in the cold for about 15 minutes, trying to convince herself that she was about to do the right thing. She had obviously never been a fan of cops. In fact, she had spent most of her short life running from them, but Voight wasn't like the others. He was her only chance to change her life. Again, she was shaking, both of the cold, her pain and her inner conflict, and yet she pulled out a few coins and soon found herself dialing his number._

Back in the present, 30-year-old Erin took the battered card from the counter with shaking hands and stared at it for a moment. Basically, she held the ticket to the other side her hands. And she had used it before. But the thing was, she had gone too far this time. She didn't deserve her old life back. It wasn't safe for the ones around her. Wherever she went, she left a trail of destruction and messed up lives. Nadia was just the recent example among many. That girl had been Erin's attempt to give something back to the world. She had wanted to give her the same chance Hank had given her. But see where her help had gotten Nadia.

Erin had spent the past weeks, ever since they came back from New York, trying to wrap her mind around the whole Nadia thing. But no matter how hard she tried to listen to the others, to Platt and Jay, to Hank, she always came to the same conclusion. It was her fault that bad things kept happening to the ones around her.

But Erin's thoughts started to get fuzzier as the oxy she had just taken was starting to kick in. And she was so glad it did because she didn't want to deal with this right now. She just wanted an escape. And as her head started to hurt less, her thoughts stopped spinning and her whole body started to feel lighter, she dropped the card carelessly to the ground and shuffled over to her phone. Automatically, she dialed a number she had become very familiar with, not thinking about it for one second. Then she sat down on the couch, waiting for him to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Landon."

* * *

 **A/N: So this was quite a long chapter and I can't promise that all of them are gonna be like this but I'll try. Also, I've never written a flashback like this before, so please tell me what you think :) Thanks for reading, guys!**


	3. We will miss you, Erin

**A/N: To anyone who thought Landon was gonna be part of this story: Do you remember reading the words "Linstead shipper for life" in the summary? :D I hate that guy and I don't plan on including him here, you'll see. For me, it just made sense that Erin would run away from those memories triggered by Voight's card and run to someone she knows would encourage her to escape** **reality.**

 **Anyway, this one is just a really short chapter to keep the story going but don't worry, the next one is much longer. (Plus, chapter 4 might be from Jay's POV - just saying.)**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: We're getting closer to Sept 30! Only 18 days to go...I am NOT prepared :O _  
_**

* * *

 **IMPORTANT NOTE: _This takes place about a week after chapter 2! (So it's been over 2 weeks since she quit)_**

* * *

 **Chapter 3: We will miss you, Erin**

 ** _(Erin's P.O.V.)_**

 _In front of the 21_ _st_ _district was a large crowd of people, all staring at a man standing next to the entrance of the building. Pain was written all over his strained and pale face. Everything was dead quiet until he broke the silence with his deep, throaty voice._

 _"She was one of the best detectives I ever worked with. She was smart, feisty, stubborn." The hint of a smile flashed across his face but it vanished again in a heartbeat, as if the lone memory of something caused him pain. "And brave. I remember the day she told me she wanted to be a cop like it was yesterday. She was so young and…scared, and yet so determined to do better. To help others. She wanted to protect this city. Her streets. It wasn't just a job to her. It was like she finally found a place in this world where she truly belonged."_

 _While he talked, people started crying. One grey haired woman in uniform leaned against another, much younger woman. They grabbed each other's arms, tears running down their cheeks. Taking a deep breath, the man glanced at the small group surrounding those two women. He grimaced and then continued his speech._

 _"When I look into your eyes, all I can see is grief and sorrow. Believe me, no one feels stronger about this than me. She was like a daughter to me. My family. The day I decided to look out for her I swore I would protect her at all costs. But her past was stronger than my efforts to save her. I'm so sorry…I'm sorry that this district, this city has lost another brave detective. I'm sorry that her friends are suffering with me._

 _"But most of all, I want to say I'm sorry to you, Erin." He no longer looked at the crowd but instead stared at a small picture on the ground next to the wall. "I know I should have fought harder for you, that I should have seen this coming sooner. I love you and I am so, so sorry, kiddo. Wherever you are right now, just know that we love you and I sincerely hope that you aren't suffering anymore. That you can finally find peace, something you have been looking for your whole life. We will miss you, Erin." His voice broke and he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. A young, handsome man, who had been standing next to the grey haired woman, approached him and silently gave him a hug with everyone's eyes on them. They hung onto each other for dear life, grieving together._

 _Suddenly, the scene started to dissolve in front of her eyes. She wanted to yell at them that everything was fine. That she was all right. Not dead, at least not yet. She wanted to reach out to them, wrap them in her arms and make them stop crying. But no matter how hard she tried, her body wouldn't obey._

Erin woke with a start and shot up in her bed. Her heart was pounding in her chest like she'd just run a marathon. Small drops of sweat had formed on her forehead, yet she was shivering like hell. Panting, She clutched one hand to her chest, right over her heart and tried to calm herself down. She jumped when she felt something touch her leg under the sheets. It was pretty dark in the room but she could make out the bare back of a man lying next to her. That's when she realized she wasn't in _her_ bed.

Not even remembering where she was and how she got there, she quietly got out of bed and started searching for her clothes. But whatever she had left in her system made coordinating her limbs rather difficult. She felt light headed and numb. Not a good combination for someone who wants to sneak out of an apartment without being noticed. But despite her mind being in a haze, she managed to get dressed again and leave this place.

As she stepped out into the Chicago night, she wondered where the hell she was. Without any clue of where to go, she started walking through the streets, slowly coming down from a high. She had no idea what time it was or how long she had been wandering around the city but suddenly, she recognized a red neon sign across the street. That meant she wasn't far from one of her favorite clubs these days. Without even looking, she crossed the street and headed south.

* * *

 ** _A/N: So, I had the dream sequence written a couple of weeks ago after re-watching 2x23 (I know, not the brightest idea at 1am). I cried a lot while typing it cause I got really emotional and it was before we got any spoilers for 301, so I was all anxious what might happen to poor Erin. I really liked how it turned out though, but I never really planned to use it. Until this little story came along and i figured it would fit quite nicely._**


	4. You done?

**A/N: So here is chapter 4! As I mentioned in the last chapter, this is gonna be from Jay's POV. I first tried to make it Erin's POV but it just makes more sense this way, so I rewrote everything. I just wanted to explore Jay's feelings and his thoughts about Erin's behavior.**

 **I'm a committed Linstead shipper, so feel warned ;) My story is all about their friendship and the special connection they have though. I've read fanfics where they, like, make out 5 minutes after he confronts her about quitting...that's just not right. But you'll see my thoughts below.**

 **Oh, and I should mention that this is gonna be about 9 chapters long if everything goes as planned. I know I initially said it's gonna be 5 but well, I had too many ideas. Currently working on chapters 5, 6 and 7. Hopefully I'll finish them until the premiere :O**

 **Please enjoy!**

 **-Dana**

* * *

 **PS: 11 DAYS! And have you seen the sneak peeks? "She made her choice." - Really wondering how the whole Voight/Erin relationship is gonna look like.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4: You done?**

 _ **(Jay's P.O.V)**_

Jay sat in his car in front of an apartment building, taking a sip at his third cup of coffee. It was almost 1am on a Friday night and he had spent the past hours after his shift doing nothing but observing this building. So far, he had only seen a man dressed in a business suit get up to his apartment and an old woman he knew lived on the second floor walking her tiny dog, but otherwise, the evening around here had been quiet.

Despite the caffeine, Jay couldn't help but yawn a few times. He was exhausted. The past two weeks had been the hardest of his entire life. Not even his days as soldier came close to how he was feeling these days. In Afghanistan, he had fought for his country and for his family's safety. He had known what to expect, how to prepare, how to act. But don't think it didn't affect him, change him. Of course it did. Fighting that war had scarred him forever. But he had never felt so powerless like he did now. Because these days, he was failing miserably at saving the one person he cared about most in this entire world.

But apart from all this overwhelming worry, he was also so mad at Erin and disappointed in her for leaving him like this. For turning away from their unit, their _family_. And at the same time, he blamed himself that he had let it come this far in the first place. His list of 'what if's' was sheer endless. It went from 'What if I had stayed at her apartment for a little longer after she had been attacked by the Jackson Park cops?' to 'What if I had picked up her birthday cake instead of Nadia?'.

But no matter how mixed his feelings about all this were, he had never stopped believing she could come back. Or rather, he refused to believe she was gone forever. If only he could get a hold of her. He had tried to track her down on the weekends, sometimes even under the week after shift. He got an update on her credit card from time to time but apparently she mostly paid cash these days. He had camped in front of her apartment a few times but she never showed up. Voight had reached out to Bunny multiple times but she didn't know anything about Erin either, which wasn't exactly a surprise.

Jay just desperately wanted her to be okay and safe again. Voight, on the other hand, had already given up. He didn't say anything like that of course, but Jay had never seen their tough leader look so defeated and lost. Jay thought Voight would know exactly what to do after she quit, given he had helped Erin overcome her past before. But Voight seemed to have lost faith. He tried to avoid the topic of Erin at work. Jay didn't really understand his behavior. And at this point, he didn't really care anymore. He just wanted her to come back, whatever it might take. And if Voight wasn't willing to help, Jay would definitely fight twice as hard. He knew Voight and the team was hurting. They had just lost Nadia. And now Erin, the one person who always kept them together and reminded them what family was about. So, for their sake, and for his, but most importantly for Erin, Jay wasn't going to give up.

All of a sudden, he jumped as his buzzing phone interrupted his train of thoughts and he quickly pulled it out of his pocket to look at the caller ID. Once he saw it was Mouse, he wasted no time to answer.

"Yeah?"

"I got a hit on her phone, man. Sending you the address right now. Call me if you need anything."

Jay needed a second to process his friend's words but when he finally got what Mouse what implying, he wasted no time to hang up and start the engine.

Jay's heart was pounding in his chest, adrenaline rushing through his body as he raced through the streets. Finally he had a destination. Mouse had never been successful at tracking down her phone. She usually turned it off, probably to escape his calls and texts. Sure he didn't frequently try to reach her through her phone anymore but occasionally, when he sat at home wondering of she was still breathing, he would sent her a text or two. Not that she ever bothered to reply, though. But now, he finally had something real to work with.

Jay tightened his grip on the steering wheel as his car finally came to a halt in front of a night club. He checked the address on his phone once again before stepping out onto the street. He locked the car and walked over to the club, hesitating in front of the entrance. The image of Erin's tired and defeated look she had the night he last saw her flashed before his eyes and that's all it took for him to push through the double doors.

Stepping inside, Jay was hit by the smell of alcohol and smoke. He couldn't make out much in the dim light but he saw the bartender behind the bar mixing drinks and people dancing to too loud pop music. There were many tables and chairs in the back and a flight of stairs that most likely led to the first floor. Jay didn't recognize anybody but he knew she must be here. As the place was crowded, he didn't want to waste too much time finding her and quickly made his way over to the bar and waved the bartender over. He was younger than Jay, in his mid-twenties maybe, and rather good-looking with his dark locks and well defined body. No wonder there were so many women around.

"Hey, I'm looking for this girl." Jay held up his phone with a picture of Erin. "Her name's Erin Lindsay." The bartender leaned over and looked at it.

"Yeah, I remember her. She's quite the regular around here. And boy, that chick sure knows how to keep the party going." He smirked and pointed to the stairs. "She must be somewhere upstairs in the lounge. Came in a couple hours ago."

Jay couldn't believe he was this close to actually seeing her again. It was a mixed feeling though. On the one hand, he was glad he finally tracked her down but he also dreaded dealing with her in this kind of state. As he made his way to the first floor, he thought about how she might react to him being there. He was probably the last person she wanted to see right now. He pushed these thoughts aside and continued to climb the stairs. But when he reached the top and instantly spotted her at a table to the right, he froze on the spot, shocked. Nothing could have prepared him for Erin's new appearance.

She had visibly lost weight. Too much weight actually. Especially her collarbones were more prominent than he remembered. Her dirty blonde hair was a mess and her make up a little too much. But it couldn't hide the dark rings under her eyes. She just looked unhealthy in every way and it killed him. She was doing this on purpose to herself and it made him so mad.

This thought shook him out of his trance and he slowly approached her. She was doing shots with a couple of girls way younger than her and didn't even seem to notice him at first.

Jay stopped next to her and tapped her shoulder. She turned her head a little to look up at him, a smirk on her lips. It quickly vanished when she recognized him.

"Jay? What are you doing here?" She slurred, confused and annoyed at the same time. He wondered how much she had already had. Her dilated eyes were half-closed and she had trouble focusing on him.

"I was about to ask you the same thing." He gestured around the room of partying people. "What the hell are you doing, Erin?"

"It's none of your business what I do." Jay sighed at that response. Shutting him out was her number one defence mechanism. "So, now you either join us or leave me the hell alone." She clumsily turned back to her friends who looked very uncomfortable.

"You serious?" He grabbed her shoulder and turned her back to face him.

"What the-?"

"No, shut up for a second, Erin! Do you have any idea what you put us through the past weeks? Me and Voight and the others? Do you realize that no one has seen you in 17 days? You disappeared and walked out on us like it was no big deal! Whenever we were called for a body, we were afraid to find it was you! I called the morgue almost every day. I checked with other districts if you had been arrested. We talked to Bunny, we checked your apartment again and again. Nothing! And now, I finally find you and you tell me to just leave again? Hell, no."

Erin sat there, still that annoyed look on her face. The girls she had been drinking with were gone. Jay looked at her expectantly, waiting for any reaction to his words. She didn't look him in the eye when she simply replied, "You done?"

And in that moment, all the anger, fear, worry and disappointment of the past two weeks boiled up inside him and he suddenly had the urge to just slap her square in the face for such an indifferent response to his outburst. But instead, he took a deep breath and swallowed down all of these emotions, taken aback by the fact that he just thought about hitting _her_. He would never do that. And he realized, this was not the time to yell at her or literally knock some sense into her. She was wasted and god knows what else she might have in her system.

Now, even when she tried everything to push him away again, he still wanted to help her and for the first time really looked at her. In this moment, he could see right through the facade of anger, annoyance and acting out and he only recognized pain and misery in her hazel eyes. He wanted the old Erin back so badly, with her wit and sassy comments, her stubbornness and her passion for her job. He realized, he didn't even remember the last time he had seen her unique smile.

No. She didn't need someone yelling at her for her mistakes and how she hurt him and the unit. Taking another deep breath, Jay eventually held out his hand to her. "Look, I'm sorry. Let me drive you home. Please."

"What?" For the first time, she didn't look annoyed at all. She just seemed surprised and confused.

"Let me give you a ride home, Erin." He managed a small reassuring smile.

"No. I don't need you, Jay." She looked completely taken aback by his offer. She probably thought her behavior and words had been hurtful enough to drive him away. After all, it worked with most people.

"I didn't say that. I just wanna make sure you get home safely."

"Don't." Despite her stubborn response, he knew she was too drunk to keep up her walls forever. He could almost see all energy leaving her body.

"Come on." He grabbed her hand and pulled her up, steadying her by wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"Please, just leave me alone, Jay." She mumbled those words but she didn't fight him, not really. Maybe she couldn't fight him. She felt so fragile in his arms, he was afraid he might break her.

Jay guided her down the stairs and through the crowd of dancing people, giving the bartender a small nod. Erin leaned on him and he had to half-carry her outside to his car. He opened the door and carefully helped her sit in the passenger seat. He fastened her seatbelt and made sure she was comfortable. In the time it took him to walk around the car and sit down behind the steering wheel, she had already passed out, her head leaning against the window. He took off his jacket and placed it over her upper body as some sort of blanket.

He glanced at her sleeping form and thought about what to do. He didn't expect the night to turn out this way. He had never thought he'd even find Erin, let alone have her in his car now. He didn't want to just drop her off at her apartment, that was not an option. He figured she probably wouldn't mind sleeping at his place.

* * *

 **A/N: Fun fact - The title of this story is inspired by the song "Touch of Ice" from the Frozen Fever soundtrack. Just listen to this beautiful song that describes the struggle of figuring out how to embrace every aspect and potential flaw of** **yourself. In Elsa's case that means she has to accept her ice powers and think of them as something good and Erin, on the other hand, has to learn to accept her demons and face her fears instead of running from them. Am I making any sense?**


	5. Don't let me fall

**A/N: Well, Chapter 5 is here! I figured I'd share it as soon as I get the time to proof read which turned out to be today. It's been a busy week and Sophia Bush replied to my tweet yesterday, so she motivated me a lot (I freaked out and cried while in English class).**

 **I already have Chapter 6 almost ready to go, too, so it should be up tomorrow or Saturday. But I kind of doubt that I'll finish Chapters 7, 8 and 9 until Wednesday. The excitement for the premiere keeps me going these days but school keeps me really busy lately since I'll be graduating this year.**

 **Anyways, please enjoy this chapter. It was fun, yet challenging to write and I really hope you like the way I wrote Erin and Jay. Tried not to make them seem OOC but who knows what you guys think. (Please PM or review!)**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: 6 Days...but until then I can distract myself with the Grey's Anatomy premiere tonight! You should, too!**

* * *

 **Chapter 5: Don't let me fall**

 _ **(Jay's P.O.V.)**_

On the way to his place, Jay couldn't help but check on Erin in the passenger seat every few seconds. And despite the situation, despite the fact that she was miles and miles away from being okay and that she had passed out from drinking too much, he registered that this was one of the few times he actually got to drive instead of her. That alone seemed so...wrong. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel, knuckles turning white, and tried to get rid of those ridiculous thoughts.

A few minutes later, he released a deep breath as he parked the car in front of his apartment building. He looked over at Erin again, whose head was now awkwardly resting on her right shoulder, and got out of the car before walking over to the passenger side, opening the door. Erin jerked awake at the noise so close to her ear but Jay reached out and gently touched her shoulder. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked around, confused, until she noticed his hand and then glanced up at his face.

"Jay?" She closed her eyes again for a second.

"Hey, let's get you upstairs. Come on." He helped her out of the car but immediately saw that she needed a little assistance when it came to walking. She almost fell over on the spot, so he put her arm over his shoulder and wrapped his own arm around her waist and started guiding her towards the building.

"Wait…" Erin suddenly stopped in her tracks, as they were only a few feet away from the door.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Sick." Jay immediately understood and helped her turn to the side and bend over just in time before she started puking. He held back her hair as best as he could and steadied her small body by carefully wrapping his free arm around her middle. He couldn't stand seeing her like this and patiently waited until she was done.

"You okay?" She nodded and very slowly turned in his embrace so that she was facing him. Without another word, she buried her head in his chest and leaned against him, completely exhausted and probably too ashamed to let him see her face.

Jay didn't quite know how to handle the situation. He had never seen her like this. In the past hour, she had gone from quite literally yelling at him to leave her alone to now embracing him in the middle of the street. The idea of calling Voight crossed his mind for a second but he soon figured he could deal with her on his own.

He didn't have much time to think about it though because Erin grew heavier by the second, slowly falling asleep against him. In one swift motion he scooped her up in his arms and made his way over to the door. Immediately, she buried her head in the crook of his neck and closed her eyes.

Jay was really glad his apartment building had an elevator. Erin wasn't too heavy though, especially since he swore he could count her ribs through the fabric of her jacket.

When he stepped out onto the 3rd floor, the girl in his arms perfectly still in her drug induced sleep, he walked over to his apartment. Without dropping Erin, he somehow managed to get the door open and got them safely inside, shutting the door behind him with his right foot.

He quickly made his way over to the bedroom and carefully lowered Erin onto the mattress. She stirred and mumbled something incoherent. She opened her eyes a little and looked up at him, obviously confused why she was lying in his bed again.

"Why are...?" She didn't finish her question. He immediately recognized the strained look on her pale face and grabbed her arms to pull her up. They arrived in the bathroom just in time for her to throw up again, this time into the toilet. Jay knelt down behind her and supported her as best he could, holding back her hair and rubbing soothing patterns on her shoulder with his thumb for a few moments.

"You done, Er?", he eventually asked.

She only grunted in response. He leaned over and flushed the toilet before closing the toilet lit and helping Erin sit on top of it.

"You all right?" _What a stupid question_ , he thought as soon as he said those words. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up a little."

Erin nodded as he helped her get on her feet again. She clung to his body, holding on for dear life. She looked so pale and fragile, his expression softened as he tried to read her features.

"You gonna be sick again?" He asked her, concerned, but she slowly shook her head, whispering a small "no". He helped her clean her face a little with some cold water and handed her a towel afterwards. Clumsily, she dried her hands and face with it and put it in the sink, still holding onto his left arm. Together, they made their way back to his bedroom and he gently maneuvered her to sit down on the edge. She looked so defeated and exhausted, shoulders slouched, as she sat there like a lost, little girl.

"Wait here. I'll grab you some clean clothes and then you can go sleep it off, all right?"

Again, all she did was nod. Jay hurried over to his closet and searched for some decent clothes. He glanced over his shoulder at Erin, who struggled to keep her eyes from falling shut. He grabbed an old hoodie and sweat pants and went back to her. Carefully, he got her out of her jacket and threw it to the ground.

"Lift your arms."

Erin obediently did as she was told. He pulled her shirt off, his eyes never leaving her face. He was about to grab the hoodie when he noticed she obviously had other plans. Automatically, she reached behind her and began to unclasp her bra and soon tossed it aside.

So, apparently she couldn't even _walk_ properly earlier but unhooking a damn bra with her cold, clumsy fingers was still possible? He was a little surprised but didn't comment on it. To be honest, it was a little awkward for him even though he technically had seen her before. He tried not to look at her bare chest as he finally helped her into his old hoodie and then into the sweat pants. When he was satisfied with his work, he sat beside her on the mattress.

"You okay?" He looked over to her as Erin tried to keep sitting upright.

"Yeah…jus' a lil' dizzy. Don't…don't let me fall, Jay…" He had to listen closely to understand her quiet words. Despite her daze, she sounded so hurt and vulnerable in that moment that he wasn't sure what she really meant. Was she talking about her dizziness or was that a hidden message? Did she just ask for his help? He wasn't sure. Maybe he was interpreting way too much into the words of a drugged and completely hammered girl. But when he noticed a single tear rolling down her cheek, he quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand despite her efforts to hide her face. All he saw when he looked into in her beautiful hazel eyes now was pain and exhaustion, no strength left.

"I'm sorry…I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to…I don't know who I am anymore…", she mumbled, her hoarse voice dripping with sorrow.

She shifted her head and met his gaze. Jay wrapped his arm around her shoulders and hugged her sideways, not bearing to see so much pain in her features. She was opening up to him for the first time in months. And yes, she was wasted and wouldn't remember any of this tomorrow but he caught a glimpse of the real Erin in this moment. Behind those thick walls of anger, acting out, guilt, self-loathing and frustration was still the Erin he knew and loved. It sparked a new sense of determination and hope inside his chest.

"It's all gonna be okay", Jay whispered into her ear, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly. "I promise. I got you. We'll figure it out together."

But after a couple of moments, he realized she was already asleep. He smiled sadly as he gently lifted her up in his arms and positioned her on the mattress, her head resting on the soft pillow. He pulled the comforter up and covered her whole body with it, making sure that she was warm and comfortable. He sighed as he brushed a strand of hair out of her relaxed face. He walked backwards until he backed up against the wall and slowly slid down to the ground.

Jay sat there in the dim light, eyes never leaving Erin's sleeping form in his bed just a few feet away. She looked so peaceful for once. He had always been fascinated by the transformation of some people in their sleep. It was so…pure. He didn't see Erin, the toughest cop he knew. He didn't see the broken girl who still blamed herself for the murder of her best friend and protégé either, or the girl that had developed a serious drug problem due to her difficult childhood, afraid of her demons.

No. Right now, she was just Erin, his hurting and struggling friend and partner. The girl he would take a bullet for if only that would take away all her pain.

Jay sat there, lost in thought, for what felt like an eternity. He wanted nothing more than to crawl under the sheets and hold Erin but he knew that wouldn't be a good idea. Even though he recognized the real Erin earlier, he knew this was just the beginning of a long road ahead. He knew he started something for her tonight, hopefully made her think about everything for real. She opened up to him for the first time in months, yet he knew that was just a very small step. She was still deep in that same self-loathing and vulnerable space. A dark hole he had to at least try to guide her out of. Even though he already feared dealing with a hung over and mostly sober version of Erin the next morning.

Eventually, Jay rose to his feet, took one last glance at Erin, and turned off the lights before making his way over to his couch. Hopefully he would find some rest himself, given he was emotionally exhausted after tonight's events.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading!**


	6. The real me

**A/N: Thank you for the positive response to the last chapter, y'all! I really appreciate the feedback :) So, as promised here is chapter 6 (!). Btw, I'm still working on chapter 7 but I thought I'll post the last few chapters next week or after the premiere if anyone wants to continue reading.**

 **But on to this chapter: I haven't watched 2x11/2x12 to check if I correctly remember what Jay's apartment looks like. So let's just pretend there is a kitchen table and a couch somewhere, it fit into my idea. But you can always tell me if you want anything changed and I can work it out.**

 **Also, please don't be mad at me for writing Erin this way. I just imagine her like that and don't worry, I plan on turning things around for her in chapters 7 and 8 :)**

 **Enjoy!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: HAVE YOU SEEN THAT LINSTEAD CLIP? Sophia posted a link earlier and I am trying to resist the urge to watch it over and over again (and failing miserably at it btw). I'm telling you, it's heartbreaking and worth watching. Although my poor Linstead-heart is still not ready to watch the whole episode in 5 days :O**

* * *

 **Chapter 6: The real me**

 ** _(Jay's P.O.V.)_**

The next morning, Jay was already in his kitchen making some fresh coffee. He was still wearing yesterday's clothes, not wanting to bother Erin by searching for some fresh pants and a shirt. He yawned quietly while he leaned against the counter, rubbing his face with the back of his hand. He didn't get much sleep last night. His couch just wasn't as comfortable as one might hope. But to be honest, an uncomfortable couch was the least of his problems at the moment.

He glanced at the clock on the wall, groaning. It was already past 10am. He never slept that late. Usually, he would be back from a run by now. But today, everything was different.

His thoughts wandered off to last night. To his little 'conversation' with Erin. He hoped she wouldn't go back to shutting him out as soon as she was awake and a lot more sober. But he was afraid that was just wishful thinking.

Instead of overthinking everything though, he decided it was best to just wait and see. And in the meantime, he could be useful and make a nice breakfast for the two of them. Erin could definitely use some decent food. He was still not over the fact that her body had changed so much since he last saw her before she quit.

As he opened his fridge though, he realized he didn't have many options. Some eggs, a bit of bacon and milk was all he had. He just hadn't been home a lot in the past few weeks. But he figured he could use what little he had to at least make some scrambled eggs with bacon for them.

Roughly half an hour later, Jay was already setting up the small kitchen table. As he was searching for some decent plates, he suddenly heard a quiet noise coming from the other side of the room. He turned and was surprised to find Erin leaning against the doorframe. His way too big clothes made her seem even tinier and the fabric of the hoodie kept sliding down her left shoulder. In the daylight, he noticed for the first time how pale and sickly her skin looked. He frowned at the dark rings under her tired eyes, noticed how she hugged her arms close to her chest and how tense her shoulders were. Her lips formed a thin line. Basically, her whole body language screamed how uncomfortable she was and he hated it. This shouldn't be so awkward. Jay broke the silence first.

"Um, you hungry?" He gestured to the fry pan behind him. "I made scrambled eggs."

"Sure." He was surprised how hoarse and raspy her voice sounded, even more so than usual, but didn't comment on it. She looked around nervously, noticing that there were no plates on the table. Without a word, she started to walk over and opened some drawers to help him set the table. She looked glad she had something to do.

When everything was set, the two of them sat down and started eating. Erin ate tiny bits of egg and Jay no longer wondered why she was so thin. She ate like a bird and apparently preferred to just sip her cup of coffee instead. Probably because her stomach still didn't agree with her drinking habits from last night.

They just sat there, both focused on their own plate. No conversation. Just silence that was only interrupted by her quiet yawns every now and then. A few awkward glances. But after a couple of minutes, it was Erin who broke the silence first.

"Do you have something for headaches?" She met his eyes and he took in her strained expression.

"Sure. Is aspirin all right?" He was already getting up to go to his bathroom where he kept all of this stuff. She nodded slightly and shrugged.

"I guess."

"You need anything else?"

"Yes, but I don't think you'd approve." She murmured, nervously tapping her fingers on the table and averting her eyes.

He opened his mouth but closed it again after a few seconds had passed and nothing came out. He had no response to that. He chose to ignore her comment and walked out of the kitchen to the bathroom. He had to seriously start a conversation about this whole situation. They had spent the past 20 minutes together without talking about anything really. He had to bring up the fact that he picked her up from a club, wasted, or that she quit or anything at all. He felt her shutting him out again and he wasn't sure how to handle it. Hell, he had managed to locate her and bring her home with him to take care of her. He couldn't just let that opportunity to finally talk to her slip. She would probably want to leave soon, anyway. She seemed so embarrassed and uncomfortable. And she had never been uncomfortable around him before.

So, as Jay walked back into his kitchen, he handed her the bottle of aspirin and sat down again, facing her. She mumbled a quiet "thanks" but didn't look at him.

"Listen, Erin-", he started but was cut off immediately.

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't go there, Jay."

"Come on, we have to talk about-"

"No. I can't."

"No, you don't want to." He shot back, anger rising in his chest. "There's a difference."

"Whatever." She ran a hand through her dirty blonde locks, trying to end this conversation before it even properly started in hopes of escaping his accusations.

"Come on, Erin. What's your plan? You can't keep doing this. Your so-called mom, the parties, the drugs…you're running away from everything and it's just not healthy. You gotta face it. Let us help you. I know you are struggling, and hurting and you even told me to help you last night. Why won't you let me in now?" He wouldn't give up that easily. She sighed exasperatedly, despite his efforts to make his little speech sound as caring and determined as he could to reach her.

"Listen, I appreciate that you took me home and all. And whatever I said last night, I don't remember nor did I mean any of it. It was the booze talking. I just had too much to drink and believe me, this hangover keeps reminding me of it." She brought a hand to her forehead and gently massaged her temples, still looking at him. "What are you trying to achieve here, Jay? Why won't you just leave me alone?"

"Honestly? I just want you to come home to us. We miss you." He lowered his head and whispered. "I miss you."

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and shook her head a little.

"I can't."

"But why?" He couldn't understand. "This", he gestured at her pale face. "This isn't you, Erin."

"No, this is the real me. You just don't know me." Her raspy voice sounded so bitter and pained, she avoided his glare, and just stared into space.

"Erin."

"Dude, stop bugging me about it. I made a decision." She looked back at him again. "I quit Intelligence and I thought I quit you, too."

He met her gaze and felt a slight pang in his chest. That one hurt. And she knew it. She wanted to drive him away. But he just didn't know why. He meant what he said to her. This wasn't the Erin he knew. If only she would properly talk to him. There was a long, awkward silence between them with Erin looking down at her fingers and Jay rubbing his face with his palm, until he sighed again and looked over at her full plate.

"Listen, I'm gonna take a quick shower and then I can go grab you a sandwich or something. You haven't even touched your bacon."

She just nodded and continued staring at her hands. He stood. This hadn't exactly gone as planned. She had shut him out just like he had feared she would. This wouldn't be their last conversation about it but he had to find a different approach to get to her. Make her really listen for once. He shook his head as he headed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him, defeated and mad at himself.

20 Minutes later, he walked out of his bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist and went over to his bedroom. When he peeked around the corner into his kitchen to check on Erin, he realized she was no longer there. He walked over to the kitchen table. Nothing. She didn't even leave a note or anything. She was just gone. Again.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading!**


	7. Author's Note!

**A/N: Hey, guys. First of all, I'm blown away by your response to this story so far. Your follows, reviews and favs keep me going. Thanks.**

 **I worked really hard on chapter 7 in the past days in hopes of updating today but it just isn't ready to go yet. Believe me, you wanna wait till I'm at least 99% okay with how it turned out. It's pretty long and it's by far the hardest to write yet, I don't even really know why.**

 **BUT I wanted to wish you a happy premiere day! It's finally #CPDWednesday again! This hiatus has felt like 4 _years_ instead of 4 months tbh. I'm gonna get up at 4am to watch it (damn you, time zones) but it's worth it. The new clips, Sophia's interviews yesterday, Jesse's insta takeovers, Bushfer/Linstead pics...I can't handle the feels this week :) **

**So, enjoy tonight's intense, heartbreaking and epic episode and don't worry, I'll continue this story nevertheless. I'll update this weekend again, at least that's the goal ;)**

 **Also, feel free to tweet and freak out with me in a few hours. My twitter is Danoushka2. I think we can** **all use some moral support tonight.**

 **I'm heading to bed now and I wish you all a great day!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: Don't forget to grab some tissues before the show starts!**


	8. Stop fighting me

**A/N: Aaaaaaand here it is! Finally I managed to get chapter 7 done. Man, it was so hard to write for some reason. Anyway, thanks for the lovely reviews and patience, y'all!**

 **Since I can't reply to guest reviewers directly, I just have to do it here:**

 **Kathleen: Thank you so much for your sweet review. I love your enthusiasm and yes, it's gonna get intense and angsty, especially in chapter 8. Can't wait for you guys to read it!**

 **On that note, I thought I'd mention I actually misspelled my own twitter handle in the last author's note but I already corrected it (Danoushka2). Just contact me there if you have a request or something but feel warned, I am crazy obsessed with CPD and Sophia Bush which might be obvious but I still wanted to warn you guys ;)**

 **About this chapter: I played around with a lot of possibilities for this one but I figured this was the best way to do it. Please forgive me any possible mistakes about the police stuff, I'm not a cop and my dad (who happens to be a cop) only knows German procedures. Anyway, t** **his chapter is kind of a way to further explore Erin's current state of mind and how the past few chapters have affected her.**

 **Sorry for the long note ;) The chapter is extra long and intense to make up for it :)**

 **-Dana**

* * *

 **PS: To the person who asked how I watched the premiere live: I had an online live stream for NBC. Only problem was that it kept crashing and I actually missed the last 10 minutes :(**

 **Also, you might recognize a line I sort of stole and altered a little. People who read some interviews about the show before S3 started might find it.**

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Stop fighting me**

 _ **(Erin's P.O.V.)**_

Erin was sitting all by herself on a bar stool, watching the bartender clean some glasses. It wasn't Bunny's bar though. She had avoided that place for days now without really knowing why.

Two days had passed since she fled Jay's apartment, escaped the sudden reality of it all. She had turned off her phone and sold it for a couple of bucks yesterday when she went to score. She didn't want anyone to find her again, didn't think she could handle seeing so much worry, disappointment and frustration like she saw on Jay's face. She never meant for him to see this side of her. Well, another failure to add to her list.

But no matter how hard she tried to forget his hurt expression, it was etched in her mind forever. Her heart was shattered. She kept wondering what he was thinking of her now, how he felt. Did he finally give up on her like everyone else? Like Voight? Like Erin herself? Part of her couldn't take the thought of that.

Deep down, she knew this was necessary, a thing she had to do. One of the very few things she had actually done right. She was just protecting him and the unit. They were better off without her. She couldn't be some cop anymore who watched others die around her. No. This was the best option for everyone. Well, everyone...except for Erin.

What did he call it, though? Running away? No, she wasn't…was she? Nadia's face flashed before her eyes for a second and Erin flinched, her heart rate quickening immediately. Nadia was probably so disappointed in Erin, wherever the poor girl might be now. Nadia would tell her to stop turning to drugs and start fighting, just like Erin had told her a year ago. But things change. People die. People lose. And people give up.

"Stop", Erin whispered, running a hand through her hair. She should be way too drunk to have these kind of thoughts right now. She didn't want to deal with it. That was the whole point of all of this, right? You don't drink to remember, you drink to forget. Why wasn't this working anymore? She was done feeling bad and miserable. She didn't want to feel anything at all. She couldn't take the guilt anymore that kept crawling its way into her thoughts despite all efforts to numb her mind.

Sighing, she downed another shot and then scanned the room for a distraction.

But at roughly 6:30pm on a Monday, there just weren't many people around yet. A couple of older men sat across the room, chatting and drinking a little bit. No one she'd ever consider picking up. How disappointing. Frustration and anger rose in her chest. At nothing in particular actually. Just the big mess and misery that some people call life.

She deserved this misery though. She thought all the guilt and pain were some kind of punishment. A wink from the glorious universe that she was nothing but bad news and that it would stay that way forever. And that it was just the way things were supposed to be from the beginning. That Hank had been wrong. She wasn't worth his efforts.

Maybe this whole not-feeling-a-thing approach just wasn't the answer anymore. She was tired of this. Erin shot up from her seat, her whole body bursting with energy she didn't know she had left and quickly stormed through the room, aiming to get to the exit, to just run and punch something. But she was far from being sober, and thus far from having complete control over her own limbs. So it was no surprise as she bumped into a tall guy who was also just about to leave and they both tumbled to the ground over one another. Erin tried to catch herself with her arm, hurting her left wrist in the process.

"Hey, watch it, bitch!"

Glaring at her was a very, _very_ pissed looking guy at least 10 years older than her. He held his huge fist up in the air and massaged his temple with his other hand. He was probably even more wasted than Erin.

"Excuse me?" Erin slurred as she struggled to get up, holding her wrist.

"What? You got a problem, girl?" The guy got on one knee and loomed over her. She was tiny compared to him. Not that this intimidated her even in the slightest. She had nothing to lose, no fucks left to give.

"No. I just love being insulted, jackass!" She spat sarcastically, anger rising in her chest again. She didn't have time to turn her head to the side or even close her eyes before his fist made contact with her cheek. She lost her balance once again and fell on her back, her face throbbing.

The man crawled over to her and grabbed her by the collar, pulling her up again.

"You wanna repeat that?" His eyes were glazed over but his hands were steady on her jacket, his face just inches away from hers. Another guy appeared behind him, pulling on his shoulder in an attempt to get him off of her.

"Hey! Let the lady go, Danny. You've had too much to drink. Come on." But the guy named Danny didn't seem to hear a word.

Erin's face felt funny. Warm and wet. She felt blood trickling down her lip and her cheek hurt. She stared at his face so close to hers and her eyes widened for a second. Something inside her was triggered all of the sudden. Was it the realization of danger, the sudden threat? Before she knew it, her temper got the best of her and she punched the guy square in the face. His grip on her loosened and she fell back to the ground. Then, all hell broke loose.

Erin watched as three men joined Danny and the guy who had tried to intervene. She felt a little sobered up from all this mess and slowly got to her feet again, not without leaning on a near table for support though. She watched as the bartender joined the fight and tried to end it but no such luck. Danny was aggressively lashing out at everyone and everything in his way, shouting. Erin couldn't stand around doing nothing. So she lurched forward, forgetting all about her bruised face and hand, and tackled the guy named Danny. She felt alive again after so long, doing something she was good at. Handling guys like this had been part of her job. The only problems were her drunken state and his immense strength.

They struggled for a few moments and she was about to receive another punch but all of a sudden, Erin heard new voices yelling. She turned her head to see three cops coming in and before she knew it she was yanked off the guy. One of the officers grabbed her arms from behind and forced her to get down on the ground. She didn't fight him. In fact, she was frozen on the spot, unable to move a muscle. This couldn't be happening. She felt handcuffs being placed on her and groaned as they further hurt her already bruised wrist.

"Come on, lady, you're coming to the station with us."

The cop pulled her up and guided her outside along with the very beaten looking Danny. Erin tried her best to stay calm but internally, she was freaking out. She was sat in the police car and the officer started the engine and eventually drove off. She was officially screwed.

* * *

Face buried in her hands, Erin sat in a cell at district 19 all by herself on her bunk. She had already told the cops what happened in the bar. She had tried to do what she could to save her ass but the drug test she had to take didn't really help things. The cops knew she had been drinking and also that she took some pills earlier, that's why they wanted her to stay here over night and sober up first. Thank god, she didn't have any drugs on her though. That would have been fun to explain. No, being arrested for simple battery was bad enough for Erin.

She didn't think this little bar fight was such a big deal to be honest. It was one of those little incidents that cops had to deal with everyday, especially here in Chicago. Plus the other guy had certainly been more aggressive and drunk than she was. But still, the cops had to do their job and Erin of all people should know that.

Footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs in the distance but Erin kept her face in her hands, trying to ignore her sick stomach and aching head. She had been down here for what felt like an eternity. It had been at least a few of hours. She had thrown up once in that time and her cheek was still throbbing. Her hand was a nasty shade of blue and purple, both from her fall and from that stupid punch.

She could think of a million places she'd rather be right now. Without any way to numb the emotional or physical pain, she felt more edgy and restless than ever. Being arrested had triggered some memories that she had managed to keep buried in the back of her mind for years. It was late at night but she couldn't sleep. Not without being haunted by images from her past she'd rather not relive.

Just when she heard someone pull out a key, she looked through her fingers at the two men in front of her cell in the dim light. She couldn't believe her eyes. While the officer unlocked the cell and swung the door open, her eyes were fixed on the guy next to him. His handsome face was unreadable. It was some kind of mixture between disbelief, frustration and...relief?

"Jay?" She whispered, unaware of the fact that he couldn't have possibly heard her. Her voice was too hoarse. The officer locked eyes with Jay for a second and then turned around, heading back upstairs.

"Come on. Let's go." Jay's voice was firm and demanding as he stepped aside, gesturing for her to come out. When she kept looking at him, uncertainty and hesitation evident, he added, "It's okay. You can leave. I took care of it." But still no smile. No sign of reassurance. His blue eyes stared intently at her face, as if he was trying to memorize every single detail of it. Erin eventually stood and walked past him out of the cell. They went upstairs and past the front desk. The cop who had brought Erin in earlier was chatting with another officer in the corner of the strangely crowded room. He nodded at Jay as they walked towards the exit.

As soon as the two of them pushed through the doors and stepped outside, Erin turned around to face him, a million emotions rushing through her body all at once. Confusion, relief, fear, shame, guilt, anger, doubt, disbelief…too many to count.

"What are you doing here, Jay?" He grabbed her arm without a word and made her walk a few feet until they stood under a lamp post at the side of the police station.

"I saved you a lot of trouble." He was still staring at her, making her very uncomfortable.

"No, I mean, how did you even know I was here?" She pressed, trying to read his eyes.

"That cop, Officer Koren, he recognized you. Well, your name. We went to the academy together and he knew you were my partner. He owes me. And…here we are."

Erin opened her mouth to reply but he raised his hand, signaling her to keep quiet.

"No. Now I do the talking for once." He took a deep breath and studied her face again, her every move.

"I have spent the past days worrying about you. You just disappeared, Erin. Again." She couldn't meet his eyes, his pain and anger were too overwhelming.

"I thought…I thought you were _dead_." He brought out through gritted teeth as if it physically pained him to even say that out loud. It made her glance up at his strained face. His lips were pressed together, forming a thin line, before he eventually continued. "After I saw how bad things really are last week, I actually thought you…" He stopped himself, not wanting to go there. "And then today, I get a call saying you've been _arrested_? Do you realize that those news would have upset anyone else, but for me…I felt relieved to know you were still alive enough to do such a stupid thing." He was talking very slowly. She couldn't decide if he was angry or desperate or disappointed. His controlled tone and carefully chosen words were unsettling. She braced herself for him to finally explode.

"But before I rip your head off or literally knock some sense into you…I just…" He closed his eyes for a second, trying to control his emotions. When he opened them again, the desperation and disappointment were replaced by pure concern. "Are you okay?" His voice was dripping with worry.

Erin stared at him, dumbfounded, struggling to follow his train of thoughts. He raised his hand and gently touched her bruised cheek. She flinched because it hurt. Immediately, he withdrew his fingers and she couldn't bear to look in his concerned face. What was happening? Why wasn't he slapping her? Or yelling at her? He had every right to. She didn't deserve his worry. How could he even ask her _that_ of all questions after everything that has happened?

"I…I'm fine." She croaked out, finally finding her voice again.

"You sure? I can give you a ride to Chicago Med." She looked up. He was serious. But she shook her head.

"Jay, I..." She didn't know how to get out of this. She wanted nothing more than to run. Just looking at his face was too much. She had hurt him again and again and yet he was here. He had her back even if she didn't have his. Just like he promised. She felt ashamed. He was too good for her. As a friend and partner and whatever they might be. He was just too good.

Erin backed off a step, away from him, as if she could hurt him just by her presence. He looked confused and studied her as if she was some kind of scared animal.

"Jay, I can't…" She couldn't find the right words. Her heart rate quickened. She felt trapped. He didn't deserve her in his life. She was poison. He had risked a lot by getting her out of there. She knew that. And she also knew that she wasn't worth that risk.

"I don't need you looking out for me, okay? Don't you get it? I told you, we're done. Why-"

"Not this again, Erin. Not buying it." His expression changed again. He saw right through her attempt to get rid of him and reached out his hand to her shoulder. She jumped at the touch and didn't miss his hurt expression.

"Stop fighting me. I don't…What am I doing wrong?"

She was so confused. Was he blaming himself for any of this? She didn't know how to answer. Instead, she shook off his hand and stepped back again, creating more space between them. Space to breathe.

"Erin, I can't help you if you keep shutting me out. We both know this isn't you. You would never hurt me or anyone else for that matter on purpose." He stepped forward again and put his hands on her arms, slightly shaking her. "You got a lot on your plate, I know that. But for once, please let me all the way in!"

In that moment, it took all of Erin's willpower not to cry. She wanted to get away from him. It was too real. She didn't want to hear any of that anymore.

"You're wasting your time, Jay. Trust me."

"Is that your final answer? Are you serious?" She saw nothing but frustration in his eyes. "I know that you've given up on yourself. But I…I just can't. Erin, you're the strongest person I know. And I know you can overcome all of this. But the thing is, you gotta believe that, too." His expression softened in sudden realization. "But until then, it doesn't matter what I do or say, does it?" He shook his head and pointed at her chest. " _You_ have to want to fight."

And with that, he took one last look at her and turned around. He just walked off, leaving her standing in the street. Erin couldn't move, she was paralyzed. She felt tears well up in her eyes but forced them not to fall. She watched as her last warrior walked away.

People lose. And people give up.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading! And now: SPOILER ALERT cause I'm gonna talk about THE PREMIERE! I just _have_ to tell you my thoughts:**

 **Sophia Bush deserves every award there is for this episode. The pain in her eyes haunted me for hours. She's just crazy talented.** **I also like how Voight is behaving and his conditions for Erin to return. The tough love thing has never been my personal favorite but I guess I understand why Voight chooses this approach. He knows Erin better than anyone, maybe even herself, and he knows if he doesn't set new and strict rules now she'll never get out of this mess.** **BUT I wish they would have made Erin stay out of it for a little longer. Sophia herself said she tried to convince the writers of this but they said that's just not how the show works. I do understand that, especially since she is the female lead character. Also, they could have made 2 episodes of all the stuff that happened in 3x01. But nevertheless, I liked it and I'm just so glad the show is back. Tell me what you think about the premiere in a review or feel free to PM me :)**


	9. I got you

**A/N: Happy #ChicagoPDWednesday! So sorry about the delay, school is crazy at the moment and I had a killer exam this morning BUT I thought I'd finally update.**

 **Just a few things first:** **I decided to name each chapter after significant lines either Erin or Jay thinks/says. You know, just like they do on the show. Also, I** **re-read the past 7 chapters and corrected a few typos I missed the first time. Those things always annoy me and I try to find all of them but I'm only human...Maybe it's time for a beta reader although I don't really know how that works yet...**

* * *

 **Oh, and to Kathleen again: I still can't reply to your reviews, so I'll keep doing it here. I'm glad you agree to my thoughts in the last chapter and again, I love your enthusiasm so much! Please tell me if you ever create an account bc that'd make talking to each other so much easier :)**

* * *

 **Anyway, this chapter has been so fun to create but I'm kinda nervous about your response to the content. It's raw and real just like some of you wanted but...I don't know, I'm just nervous about it for some reason...maybe you think it's a little too intense and too much :O**

 **Please enjoy and don't forget to review!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: Enjoy the new episode tonight! I hope we'll get a first decent Linstead talk...**

* * *

 **Chapter 8:** **I got you**

 _ **(Jay's P.O.V.)**_

Paperwork. The worst part of being a cop was by far the damn paperwork. Especially after a rough day like this. Jay and the unit had dealt with jerks all day long, trying to get some information on a very frustrating case they had been working on for the past week. So far, all they had were three victims and a suspect who was nowhere to be found, no matter what they tried.

He sighed exasperatedly and massaged his temples, staring down at the pile of documents on his desk. But who was he kidding, his job was the least of his worries at the moment. In fact, he rather appreciated having a distraction these days, something to focus on. Seriously, why couldn't things be easy for once?

To be honest, Jay had caught himself too many times to count thinking about _her_ in the past few days, replaying their last encounter earlier this week over and over in his head. The image of her sitting in that cell all by herself was etched in his mind. She had looked so lonely and sad and miserable...if only he could take her pain away.

One question kept crawling back into his thoughts: Did he make a huge mistake that night? He just walked away, feeling like it was the right thing to do in that moment. There was nothing left to say, he had said it all, given her the billionth chance to accept his help and come home. But now, he wasn't so sure anymore. Actually, the more he thought about it, the more doubts occupied his mind.

Sometimes he wished he could just go back in time and make this mess never happen. He would give anything to make things normal again in a heartbeat. He wished he could bring Nadia back, and he wished he could pull Erin out of her misery. The whole unit was still grieving the loss of their friend - but Erin seemed to be incapable of dealing with it.

To a certain degree, Jay got how difficult that must be for her. He himself had lost way too many dear friends already. But on the other hand, he just couldn't understand why she was so…out of control. How did things change so fast? Six weeks ago, everything had been fine - not easy but still okay. But Jay had seen first hand how Erin was coping, how she apparently blamed herself. The image of her empty eyes, no fire left in them, flashed in front of his eyes and he grimaced at the memory.

He meant what he had told her. She was by far the strongest and toughest person he knew. But he had learned in the past weeks that when Erin falls, she falls far and hard very quickly, powerless against her demons.

As he tried to focus on the file in front of him again, he couldn't help but glance up at the abandoned desk opposite his. _Her_ desk. On several occasions, he had caught the others staring at it, as well. They all wanted her back here. Some showed it more than others. In the beginning, Ruzek had mentioned her basically every other day. But by now, he had stopped making those small comments. Olinsky and Voight kept exchanging worried looks when they thought no one was watching. They often talked in Voight's office these days. Jay had even overheard Atwater and Burgess talk about Erin last week in the locker room. And Antonio…well, he rather kept his thoughts to himself. Jay sometimes had the feeling he was angry with Erin for leaving them like that but he wasn't sure and didn't want to bring it up.

It just wasn't the same without her and all of them felt it. Usually, she was the one everyone could talk to and lean on. She would do anything for her people. Her loyalty and heart of gold was what kept them sane on some days. And her sass and wit kept them in place. She by no means just 'the girl' in their unit.

No one dared to mention that her spot had to be filled again at some point.

Jay was so tired. Both physically and mentally. He was tired of this mess. Why couldn't Erin just get it? He didn't care about their relationship, or about what was going on with Voight or Bunny or anyone else. He just wanted her to be safe and okay. It was that simple, yet so frustrating.

"Halstead."

Jay jumped as he heard his boss' gravelly voice. He looked up as Voight came up the stairs, checking his watch as he entered the bullpen.

"What are you still doing up here?" He came to a halt in front of Jay's desk and gestured around the room of empty chairs.

"Just catching up on some files." Jay looked up at him, trying to sound somewhat normal and not too depressed. Of course, he didn't fool Voight. The sergeant's face turned extra grumpy, as he looked at Jay knowingly.

"Go home, Jay."

Jay's eyes involuntarily darted to Erin's desk and back to Voight for a split second. But of course, it didn't go unnoticed. Voight studied him or a moment. He sighed.

"You did the right thing."

Of course he knew what Jay was thinking about. Jay had told him about his encounter with Erin at district 19. He just _had_ to talk about it with someone and also Voight deserved to know.

"But how do you know I didn't make things worse?"

"She made her choice. She chose to go down that path. And maybe she'll come around again." He almost sounded like he was trying to convince himself of that. "Those things take time, trust me. But as long as she doesn't reach out, there is nothing you and I can really do. We can try to protect her, like you did last Monday. But other than that…" He paused for a moment and shrugged. "Erin has her own way of dealing with things. A way that you and I or anyone else can't understand."

"How can you say that? How can you just give up after everything you did for her to get here?"

Jay felt like a little boy, lost and defeated, searching for someone to just say that everything's gonna be all right again. It was a little weird to talk to his boss like that. But on the other hand, he was glad he could. He had expected Voight to be mad at him for all his efforts with Erin, for reaching out to her. But if anything, their shared worry had been some kind of a bond. It was almost as if the Sergeant wanted him to look out for her. But Jay couldn't be sure, dreaded _that_ kind of conversation on top of everything else.

Voight scratched his face and took a deep breath. He looked straight into Jay's eyes when he finally replied, "I've learned to accept things."

Jay raised his eyebrow. Voight had really given up. Erin's arrest had been the final punch in his gut, Jay figured. She was back to her old habits for real. Jay had seen her CI file, knew how much trouble she's had with Voight back in the day. She couldn't get much lower than that. Jay could only try to imagine how Voight must feel.

"Look, I tried to talk to her. Twice. She didn't want to listen. You said you talked to her several times, same reaction. What do you wanna do? Force her to be better? Force her to open up, to talk?" Voight shook his head. "That's not how Erin works."

He was right. Jay knew that. But that didn't mean he liked it. His lips formed a thin line as he looked at Erin's desk again, aware that Voight was still studying him.

"Hey, go home, Jay." His boss repeated his words from earlier. Jay met his eyes and eventually nodded. Voight looked like he wanted to say something else but then decided against it. He walked to his office and closed the door behind him, leaving Jay alone in the bullpen.

Jay sat there for another ten minutes, lost in thought but he eventually packed his bag to finally call it a day.

* * *

Jay parked his car in his usual spot in front of his apartment building and soon headed upstairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator. When he reached his floor, he couldn't hold back a yawn. He was utterly exhausted.

But as he walked down the hallway, key already in hand, he froze on the spot. In the dim light, he could make out a dark shadow in front of his apartment. Instinctively his hand moved to his gun still attached to his belt as he slowly came closer. He squinted his eyes and realized it was someone sitting on the floor and leaning against the door.

"Hello?", he called out, not sure how to react to this. This had never happened before.

The person jumped at the sound of his voice but didn't get up. As she looked up at him, Jay's heart stopped for a beat. He stared at the girl in front of him and almost dropped his key.

"Erin?"

She had her arms wrapped around her knees and her head was half-hidden in the hood of her jacket as she leaned sideways against the door to his apartment. He stared at her face for a moment and watched as some blood trickled down her cheek. A jolt went down his spine. He wasted no time and was at her side in a heartbeat.

"Erin, what's wrong?"

She flinched as he touched her arm and slightly leaned away from him. He immediately withdrew his hand and backed up a bit. Was she…scared of him?

"What's wrong?" he breathed again, taken aback by her reaction.

Erin looked at him with widened eyes, and struggled to find the right words.

"I…I don't…I didn't know where else to go..." She eventually whispered, her voice raspier and more hoarse than usual. She didn't meet his eyes and tried to hide her face again. Jay reached out his hand and slowly pulled back the hood of her jacket.

His eyes widened at the sight of her battered face. There was a huge gash on her forehead, blood smeared everywhere. She had a nasty black eye and small cuts and bruises covered her neck and the left side of her jaw.

"What the hell happened to you?"

She didn't reply and her breathing quickened. She looked like she might throw up any second.

"Okay, that's it." He pulled out his phone. "I'm calling 911 and the-"

"No!" She met his eyes, panic and fear in her hazel orbs. She put her hand on his arm, trying to prevent him from dialling the number.

"What?" He looked up from her hand to meet her eyes.

"Please don't", she almost begged.

They stared at each other for a moment but he eventually gave in and put the phone down. She took a deep breath, obviously relieved, and buried her head in her hands but winced as her fingertips touched her wounds.

Jay couldn't stand seeing her like this. He reached around her shoulder and carefully pulled her towards him. She didn't say a word but he could feel her whole body tense. But he didn't care. He shifted his position and gently pressed her small, fragile body against his chest. It took her a moment to properly breathe again but eventually, her muscles relaxed. She moved her arm and wrapped it around his middle, holding on for dear life. He carefully placed a hand on the back of her head, trying not to further hurt her in the process.

Jay didn't dare to say anything. He just held her. But soon, he felt her heart rate quicken against his chest, even through the fabric of their clothes.

Erin pulled away from him, trying to create some space. Pain was written all over her features.

"I-I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She kept whispering those words over and over again. When he looked into her eyes, he saw nothing but panic and anxiety.

"Erin. Calm down please." He pulled her close again, keeping her shaking body steady. "I got you. You're safe now, Er. No one's gonna hurt you."

He was acting all calm and in control for her sake but internally he was pretty close to a panic attack himself. He had never seen anyone this distraught. He had never seen her recoil at his touch either. What happened to her?

"It's okay." He whispered in her ear, trying to calm her down.

"I'm sorry." She said again, releasing a shaky breath.

They sat on the floor in front of his apartment, holding onto each other in silence. Erin buried her head in his chest and he held her close, his thoughts racing. What was she doing here? Why was she injured? How badly was she injured? Who did this to her? He had so many questions but no answers.

"Come on", he eventually broke the silence. Erin had started to shiver in his arms, although he wasn't sure if that was because of the cold. "Let's get you inside."

He shifted and pulled her to her feet as he stood and she immediately leaned on him for support. He opened the door, one arm still wrapped around Erin's back as she seemed to be too weak to stand on her own. Somehow they made it inside and he guided Erin to his couch, carefully helping her sit down. She slowly leaned back against the cushions, releasing another shaky breath, as if every move hurt. He walked into his bathroom to get a small, wet towel. When he returned to the living room, he noticed that she hadn't moved an inch. He sat down on his coffee table, facing her. He handed her the towel and watched as she wiped some of the dried blood from her cheek half heartedly.

"Can I at least call Will?" He grimaced as he noticed some fresh blood on her forehead.

"No. I'm fine."

He almost laughed at that, despite the situation. She showed up bloody and beaten at his apartment, so 'fine' was definitely not the word he'd use.

"No, you're not. Stop that crap for once." He stared at her intensely. "I'm serious. How badly are you hurt? I need to know."

She shook her head, averting her eyes.

"Erin, I swear I'm gonna call Voight and an ambo if you don't at least tell me-"

Her expression suddenly darkened and she shot him a look. Without a word, Erin put the bloody towel down next to her and slowly stood, wincing again. She looked like she could pass out any second. But instead, she put her trembling fingers on the zipper of her jacket and opened it, eventually tossing it to the ground. She stood in front of him, only wearing a once white shirt.

Jay stared at her, feeling sick to his stomach. In the bright light of his apartment, he could see how her whole upper body was covered in small cuts and bruises. Her shirt was torn in some places and had dirt and bloodstains all over it. But the thing that disturbed him the most was the long cut on her throat, still bloody, that she had hidden in her jacket before.

Jay had seen some stuff in his life, had been wounded himself on countless occasions. He was a soldier after all. But seeing Erin of all people this beaten and injured nearly sent him over the edge. He reached out his hand, wanting to touch her bare arm but he stopped himself, not wanting to hurt her.

"Erin…" He breathed. "What happened to you?" His stormy blue eyes were trying to focus on her face instead of her broken body.

"It's bad, Jay." She took a deep breath. "I screwed up real bad." She shook her head, her eyes somewhere far away. Her knees buckled and he caught her arm out of reflex, putting pressure on a nasty bruise. She moaned as he lowered her onto the couch again. "Sorry."

"It's all right."

They stared at each other for moment before he broke the silence again.

"You can tell me. I won't judge." He squeezed her hand reassuringly but she sighed.

"Yeah, right…"

"Hey, look at me." He moved from the table and sat down beside her. His face was now mere inches from hers, but she didn't react. "Erin. Look at me." Reluctantly, she tilted her head a little and met his eyes. He made sure she really listened before he calmly said, "You came all the way here for a reason. We both know that. You can talk to me. Always."

Silence. It was as if she was searching for something in his eyes, as if she was trying to decide if he was truly honest. It broke his heart how uncertain and anxious she acted. But eventually, she took a deep breath and nodded slightly.

"All right." She swallowed hard and nodded again before starting to explain.

* * *

 **A/N: Cliffhangers are great, aren't they? I didn't have that much time to edit and check for any mistakes so please don't be mad when you find any. I hope chapter 9 won't take me that long to finish. I plan on uploading it on Sunday but don't quote me on that!**

 **So, I'm not gonna comment on last week's episode here like I did in chapter 7 bc I don't wanna throw too many spoilers out there. The things I want to say are just too specific for people who haven't seen 3x02 yet. But please tell me your thoughts about the episode and/or the chapter of course in a PM, review or on Twitter! I'm DYING to talk about it!**


	10. Thank you

**A/N: Before you yell at me, it is technically a Sunday and I said I would upload that day...ok, it's a week later but does it still count? I'm sorry but I just wasn't able to upload Chapter 9 earlier. It has been a crazy few weeks and I had a lot of stuff to take care of. Also, I just couldn't decide how exactly I wanted to write this chapter, so it took me a while to get it right. I played around with, like, 20 different scenarios until I found my favorite. It fits best with my ideas for the next chapters and hopefully you'll agree.**

 **Please enjoy and tell me what you think! I hope I managed to get all your wishes into one chapter...? I don't know, I'm really exhausted after having edited this for the past three and a half hours (!) but I hope it was worth it. I've never written anything like this. :)**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: So, I don't know about you but I'm pretty excited about the current Linstead development on the show...I don't really get why Erin seems so fine and happy all of a sudden, though, and why they basically ignore the whole drug abuse thing she did for** ** _weeks_** **BUT who am I to question the decisions of successful TV writers? I'm just glad I have my own version of Erin's struggle :) But I'll take whatever Linstead cuteness I actually get to watch cause there is something about Jesse and Sophia together that is so genuine and pure and no one can tell me they don't have the most amazing chemistry.**

* * *

 **((Flashbacks are Italic))**

 **Warning** **: The following chapter contains a lot of violence, character death and might be disturbing for younger readers. I'm not sure if I should change the rating or something but a little warning won't hurt, right? I personally don't think this chapter is that bad, though (in comparison to some other, pretty graphic stuff I've read on this site). Could be a lot worse.**

* * *

 **Chapter 9:** **Thank you**

 _ **(Erin's P.O.V.)**_

 _"Thanks, man."_

 _Erin stood in the doorway to the living room of one of her mother's friends. A guy named Clay, or something? Erin didn't know. He had some of his guys over who were all sitting on the shabby couch and some chairs around the room. It strongly smelled like alcohol in the whole apartment but at this point, it felt like the most familiar smell to Erin._

 _She was about to leave again as a man in his thirties with raven black hair and beard - Travis, maybe? - held a small, white pill up to her._

 _"Hey, you want some, Lindsay? It's on me." Oh, he even remembered her name. Interesting._

 _"Nah, I'm good."_

 _Erin eyed a bottle of tequila and some shot glasses on the coffee table, though. She thought about just leaving but to be honest, she didn't have anywhere to be and some of that liquor seemed like a good idea right now. She could use a distraction._

 _"Can I have one of these, though?" She pointed at the bottle and looked at Travis expectantly, knowing he was the one in charge. All the other guys were just sidekicks and some probably just casual buddies. She didn't even understand why they were hanging out at this apartment of her mother's loser friend, Clay._

 _"Sure. Why don't you stay and hang out with us?" Travis patted the spot next to him, smirking._

 _Erin shrugged. "All right."_

 _She didn't really like those guys. There were a lot of stories going around about them, especially about that Travis guy. Bad stories, if she remembered correctly. But she wouldn't say no to a couple of free shots._

 _Erin plopped down onto the couch and soon downed two shots of tequila, most eyes on her every move. She was aware of the attention but didn't really care. If they wanted to stare, let them stare._

 _She leaned back into the couch, trying to get comfortable while enjoying the feeling of the strong booze entering her system, even though it set her throat on fire. She was quite used to it. As Erin eyed the men around her she noticed most of them had cigarettes or cigars in their mouths, including Travis._

 _"Hey, how much for one of those?" She nodded her head to the cigarette between his fingers._

 _"My treat, girl. It's your lucky day. Just take one." He tossed the pack of cigarettes over to Erin. She pulled one out, placed it between her lips with her cold fingers and grabbed the lighter from the sticky table._

 _"Thanks."_

 _She sat there and listened to the casual small talk of the guys, not really caring about anything they said. They weren't that interesting. She knew some of them from her mother's bar and she also knew what effect she had on them. Let's just say, not everyone got free booze and cigarettes around here. And she couldn't help but think about the fact that under normal circumstances, Erin was someone people like Travis would run from. But now, she was sitting here, drinking and smoking with one of the bad guys Chicago had to offer. How ridiculous this all was. She chuckled._

 _Suddenly, Jay's concerned face flashed before Erin's eyes causing her to shiver. She quickly shook her head in hopes of getting rid of it. Oh, how she wished she could just turn it off. These past few days, she'd been consumed by a new kind of guilt. What Jay did that night at the station, the things he said…she couldn't wrap her head around a lot of things but that night was one of the most confusing things of the past weeks._

 _She got Nadia killed, she quit, she let herself get lost in booze and drugs and partying with her mom, hurting Jay over and over again. Those were the facts. And yet he showed up - again - and saved her ass. What on earth was wrong with him?_

 _But Erin was ripped from her thoughts as the door suddenly flew open and a tall dude walked in, shoving in a guy who couldn't be older than 16, maybe 17. He looked plainly terrified. His chocolate brown eyes were nervously darting back and forth between Travis and the ground. Everyone in the room instantly knew he was in trouble._

 _"Hey, T!" The tall man placed a large, rough hand on the younger guy's shoulder with such force that the boy grimaced in pain. "Found this piece of trash right outside on my way here! And guess what, little Jimmy here says he still doesn't have the cash."_

 _Everyone looked over at Travis expectantly. His face instantly turned a bright shade of red as his eyes sparkled with anger._

 _"YOU WHAT!?" He yelled. Boy, that guy had a huge case of anger management issues, Erin thought. What did that kid do to piss him off like that?_

 _"Look, I-I'm sorry! But I don't-" The boy was shaking in fear, trying to back up but he was stopped by the tall guy behind him again._

 _Travis stood and almost knocked over the bottle of tequila on the table, as he approached the boy._

 _"Oh, you will be sorry, kid! I can promise you that!"_

 _Erin watched as Travis grabbed the guy by his shirt and slammed him against the wall. He pulled a gun from somewhere, so quickly that Erin didn't even notice it until he held it to the guy's chest, pressing it into his shirt right above his heart. Everyone in the room tensed up and some even stood to run for the door. How he hell did this situation escalate so fast?_

 _Erin threw her cigarette on the table and stood. She acted out of impulse and held a hand out to Travis, slowly stepping closer to him and the boy._

 _"Hey, let him go, man." She said loudly. "He's just a kid!"_

 _Travis looked over his shoulder at her. His arms were trembling. She saw nothing but pure fury in his eyes. She didn't think it was possible for a human being to explode from one second to the other in this way. Just minutes ago, they had been joking and drinking together._

 _"Stay out of this, Lindsay!" He brought out through gritted teeth. "It's none of your business."_

 _He turned back to the boy and tightened his grip on the gun. The boy whimpered quietly, sweat running down his forehead._

 _"Hey! Stop it, Travis!" Erin took another step closer._

 _"Don't tell me what to do!" Travis yelled. "He and his little bastard friends owe me 25K!"_

 _Erin shortly wondered how a teenaged boy could screw up enough to owe someone that much money, but she didn't have time to think about it as she grabbed Travis' shoulder and tried to pull him away from the guy. No matter what he had done, he was just a boy. But Travis' friend at the door immediately grabbed her wrists and yanked her off of him, pushing her away. She subconsciously realized the four of them were now alone in the room. Where the hell did those cowards go?_

 _"Travis, don't!" Erin took a step forward again, but the tall guy stepped between her and Travis._

 _"Who do you think you are, girl?" He crossed his enormous arms in front of his chest, trying to intimidate her._

 _But Travis on the other hand ignored Erin and kept his eyes fixated on the boy, pushing him hard against the wall. He kept the gun on his chest. The boy grimaced in pain, his eyes showed nothing but fear. Travis suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him to the ground, looming over him and pointing the gun directly at his face, finger on the trigger._

 _"No!"_

 _Erin leaped forward and threw herself onto Travis' back, preventing him from hurting the boy._

 _"What the-?"_

 _Travis' friend tried to grab her again but she was faster. But she didn't think about the gun in his hands, nor about the fact that he was way stronger than her. In one swift motion, Travis turned around, threw her to the ground in the process and was on top of her._

 _She tried to push him off, but he was too strong. He punched her square in the face, right under her left eye with such force that she saw stars for a moment. She stopped struggling, eyeing the gun that was just now directly pointed at her, mere inches away from her nose. He was serious._

 _"What do you think you're doing, huh?"_

 _Erin couldn't speak. She was afraid that if she moved just a little, she would be dead the next second. Would this be how everything ended? In a shabby apartment, shot for something she wasn't responsible for? How disappointing._

 _"You stop that crap right now and let me handle my business or this is gonna get ugly, you hear me?"_

 _Erin stared him in the eyes, still not replying._

 _"I said, you hear me?!"_

 _She nodded slightly and released a deep breath she was holding as he slowly got to his feet again. He grabbed her by the collar of her jacket and pushed her in the direction of his friend, who caught her and put a warning hand firmly on her shoulder._

 _"Oh, no, you're not going anywhere!" Travis turned his attention back to the boy._

 _He tried to get away but Travis grabbed his jacket and threw him against the wall. He sank to the ground, looking up at the older man with widened eyes._

 _"Please don't! I said I'm so-"_

 _"Shut up! SHUT UP!"_

 _Travis pulled him up and held the gun to the boy's head, just above his ear._

 _Erin couldn't stand there doing nothing. That guy was about to kill a teenaged boy just because he made a mistake. She glanced at the man next to her. He wasn't paying much attention to her. Her eyes darted to the bottle of tequila on the coffee table. She looked back at Travis looming over the boy, his finger on the trigger._

 _Before she could think this through, Erin jumped away from the man beside her, grabbed the bottle and charged Travis. She smacked him with it across his head with all the strength she could muster at this point and pulled on the boy's hand, trying to free him. But Travis recovered more quickly than she anticipated. His head was bleeding now and he looked a little dazed for a moment but soon, his anger and focus returned. Before she could do anything else, Travis pushed her and the boy hard across the room. They were sent flying into this huge wooden closet, and it came crashing down on top of them. The large mirror on the wall right next to the closet fell to the floor and shattered into a billion tiny pieces._

 _Erin's head was pounding, she had hit her head on the ground during their fall. The boy was half-laying on top of her and tried to get up, pushing all the wood and broken glass off of them but all of a sudden, a single shot rang through the room. The boy collapsed on Erin's chest, his weight crushing her._

 _No. No, no, no. This wasn't happening. Erin's heart beat so fast, it felt like it was about to jump out of her chest. She grabbed the boy's shoulders and turned him to face her. Blood trickled down his cheek and she gasped as his lifeless, chocolate eyes stared back at her. She backed away from him, eyes widened in shock, forgetting all about the other two men in the room._

 _"Damnit, T! You can scare that kid, but did you have to kill him? What about the cash?" She heard someone yell in the distance. She didn't really listen, all her focus was on the boy in front of her, as she watched a pool of dark, red blood appear around his head._

 _Travis quickly approached her, though, and ripped her eyes off of the dead kid as he pulled her up by her arm._

 _"See? That's what happens when people provoke me, Lindsay! You happy now?"_

 _He pushed her back down, right into the shattered mirror. Erin tried to ease her fall but it was no use. She fell face first into the shards of glass, the sharp pieces cutting into her flesh like tiny razor blades. She cried out in pain, feeling the warm blood from the fresh wounds instantly trickling down her bare skin. She didn't even realize why she wasn't wearing her jacket anymore. Everything happened too fast._

 _Travis forcefully turned her over to face him. He still held the gun in his hand, fury burning in his eyes, making him more dangerous than ever. She closed her eyes, waiting for him to finish her off. But another shot didn't come._

 _"You know what?" Travis threw the gun to the side, a spark of rationality returning to his eyes. He grabbed a large piece of broken glass and put it to her throat. Her breath hitched again, afraid of what he was now about to do. Would he just let her bleed to death instead? Somehow, being shot suddenly sounded a lot better. But Travis apparently had other plans._

 _"I just got a solution to my problem. I don't care how I get my money back. And, you know, since you seemed to be really interested in this scumbag over here..." He gestured towards the lifeless body of the boy a few feet away. "...why don't_ you _pay me instead? 25K, tomorrow at 10pm near Jared's spot down by the river, you understand?"_

 _He began to slowly drag the glass across her throat, leaving a not too deep, but still bleeding, nasty cut. Erin refused to let him know how much this hurt. She bit her lip, swallowing down the pain. Travis put the bloody piece of glass away and leaned down to whisper in Erin's ear._

 _"You bring me that money and no one gets hurt. Or I promise you, I'll find you."_

 _He took one last disgusted glance at her and then got up. Erin coughed and rolled to her side, a hand on her throat. It came away bloody. Her head was spinning and she felt like she could throw up any second._

 _"Take care of these two." She heard Travis say, before he disappeared._

 _Erin still lay panting on the floor, the glass cutting through shirt and skin as the tall guy walked over, picked her up and threw her out into the hallway, dropping her jacket that Erin must've lost at some point during all this chaos on top of her._

* * *

"And after that, it's kind of a blur…I don't know. I don't even know what he did with...I just - I somehow ended up here and…"

Erin trailed off and buried her face in her hands again, unable to look at Jay. Images of the past two hours replayed in her head on an endless loop. The man looming over her with a gun, the piercing sound of a shot fired, a pair of lifeless eyes staring back a her. She was so lost in her memories that she flinched as she felt Jay place a hand on her shoulder. It was Jay, she reminded herself. She could trust him, her partner.

They sat in silence for a while. She tried to focus on his soft, calm breathing next to her. That and his light touch on her shoulder. It was all that kept her somehow sane.

Erin could feel his gaze on her, but didn't dare to look up. She dreaded to see disappointment or anger or fury on his face, didn't think she could hold herself together if she looked into those blue eyes. The seconds that passed seemed like hours to her. It was like holding your breath underwater for too long. Until he finally broke the suffocating silence.

"Thank you."

Out of everything he could have possibly said, he chose those two little words. And he spoke with such a gentle voice that she was forced to look up, completely confused.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading, guys! Feedback is always appreciated! I know this probably doesn't answer every question you might have but I can tell you they'll discuss a lot in the next chapter. It's already written and just needs to be edited cause I think I need to get faster with my updates. You guys deserve it and also, I noticed the longer I wait to update, the more doubts I get about a chapter. So, Chapter 10 (!) will be posted on #ChicagoPDWednesday, as it often was the past few weeks. I promise!**


	11. I just can't help it

**A/N: As promised, here I am again. I know we all had a different scenario for Chapter 9 in mind (the beauty of cliffhangers, right?) and I'm sorry if anyone was disappointed but believe me when I say I put a lot of thought into it :)**

 **I think I said a couple of chapters back that there would be about 9 chapters or something. Obviously, that didn't go as planned :'D I now decided to just keep going until I run out of ideas, if that's okay with you.**

 **As always, please enjoy!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: #LinsteadCouchTime is near...anyone else excited? I have no idea what I really expect from tonight's episode(s), so whatever they throw at us, I'll be more than okay, I hope. According to Sophia, it's a "cute" Linstead moment, so I guess we'll find out real soon what exactly that means. And don't forget it's TWO hours of awesomeness today!**

* * *

 **Chapter 10:** **I just can't help it**

 _ **(Erin's P.O.V.)**_

"What?"

Erin knitted her eyebrows, wincing as she was painfully reminded of the wound on her forehead. She subconsciously brought her hand up, carefully touching the cut with the tips of her fingers. But all her focus was on Jay's face, his every move. He squeezed her shoulder.

"Thank you." Jay repeated. "For telling me the truth. For trusting me." He whispered the last part.

She couldn't read his expression. There were too many emotions flashing in his eyes, too many to count. His words and his expression didn't match. He was torn. His feelings were swirling inside him in a raging storm, she could tell, yet he settled for thanking her?

"Did – did you hear what I just told you? I…don't you understand what that means?"

"I did hear it." Jay shook his head and looked at the ground for a moment, releasing a shaky breath. "But it means the world to me that you came here." He looked at her again, his expression darkened. "When I think about where you could've ended up…and he…I don't think I would be able to…"

He struggled to find the right words. He locked eyes with her, the most serious look on his face.

"Look, I know you're scared and this is a big mess. I get all that…for the most part at least. But the thing is…I'm so glad you're here."

Jay reached his arms around her and pulled her close to him again, so carefully that it seemed like he thought she could break any second. Erin didn't fight him. She just let him hug her, even though it hurt. Everything hurt.

But it was like he needed to hold her close. And although she was still confused about the way he acted, she soon found herself wrapping her arms around his torso, ignoring her sore muscles and burning skin. She carefully rested her head on his strong shoulder, inhaling his scent.

After a moment, she started to shiver again. At this point, she couldn't be sure if it was from all of those different emotions swirling inside her, from not having taken any pills in almost a day or actually from the chilling apartment air.

Of course Jay noticed immediately. Reluctantly, he pulled back and took off his jacket only to place it around her shoulders.

"What am I supposed to do now, Jay?"

Erin looked down to her hands, her thoughts racing. She was so scared. Jay made her feel a little better but he couldn't take away the fear, the blame, the pain. She wanted today to never have happened. No, scratch that. She wanted the past months to never have happened. But Jay interrupted her dark thoughts once again.

"We'll figure it out."

His voice sounded just a tiny bit too controlled. His hands balled up into fists and he kind of spaced out for a moment, his mind elsewhere. Something was really bothering him, she knew it, and out of everything she had done and told him, she couldn't really guess what exactly it was. How messed up was that?

"I'm so sorry, Jay. I…really shouldn't have come to you with this." Erin glanced up at him one last time before attempting to get up. That seemed to shake him out of his daze.

"No, don't!" Jay put a hand on her shoulder again, preventing her from moving any further. "Please stay. We can figure something out. Together." He tried his best reassuring smile but she wasn't going to let this influence her.

"No, it's fine. You shouldn't have to-" But he cut her off.

"Erin." She looked at him, noticing the gentle, yet determined tone had returned. "I mean it. Please don't run again. I mean, look at yourself." He gestured towards her face. "It kills me to see you like this. And I could-" He cut himself off, shaking his head a little. "I don't want you to be alone, okay? Please, let me help you."

And in that moment, Erin realized that she couldn't fight him anymore. All the energy she had left seemed to be washed out of her body as she looked into those blue eyes full of concern and worry. She didn't have the strength left to argue, she knew that. And deep down, she also knew that leaving would be a mistake. She came here. It was too late to turn back. She had to accept his help, she could trust him.

"Okay", she eventually whispered, nodding her head.

"Okay", Jay echoed quietly, a small smile appearing on his lips. But it soon faltered, as his eyes darted back and forth between her eyes and her wounds. She felt so exposed and vulnerable. Two of the things she hated the most. It was Jay, she reminded herself for the billionth time tonight. No need to be scared. He was here after everything she'd done to hurt him. He was here.

Jay stood from the couch and looked down at her, running a hand through his short hair.

"All right. Now, I really think we should take care of those cuts." A hint of his signature smirk appeared, before he added, "Because there is no way I'm gonna let you sleep in my bed like this."

Erin actually smiled a little at his attempt to lighten the mood. Her first smile in weeks.

"I can get you some Aspirin if you want. And I'm sure I have a band aid or two somewhere", he added half-jokingly. "But let's get you cleaned up first. Come on." He held out a hand to her and she took it. Together, they limped to his bathroom.

Erin steadied herself on the sink and looked in a mirror for the first time in weeks. She didn't even recognize the person staring back at her. She looked at a broken, too skinny girl, blood smeared everywhere on her incredibly pale and sickly looking skin.

It was one thing to feel the pain, feel the marks that Travis left on her face and body. But it was another thing to see it. She traced the nasty cut on her forehead with her right hand. Only then did she notice how badly her knuckles looked. She couldn't be sure if they were still bruised from that little bar incident earlier this week or if she had hurt herself tonight. Same went for the bruise under her eye. But what disturbed her the most was the thin, bloody cut on her throat. The message was obvious: _Either you bring me that money or that cut is gonna be a whole lot deeper next time we meet._

All of a sudden, Erin was brought back to reality as Jay reappeared by her side and touched her arm. She turned away from the mirror and looked up at him. He smiled and silently gestured to the bathtub. He had prepared it for her. She offered him a small smile and brought her hands to her pants to get undressed. He was about to leave when he noticed her trembling fingers struggling to unbutton her jeans. He was hesitant for a moment but soon stepped closer to her again.

"Here, let me help you."

"It's fine. I can do this myself." She wanted to keep at least a little bit of dignity on front of him.

"Erin." He patiently put his hands on top of hers.

Erin sighed eventually and gave in. She removed her hands and let him help her. It was painful to move her body like this to get out of her battered clothes, she was way too sore. But after a few agonizing moments, it was over. She stood panting next to the sink, grabbing it for support.

Being the gentleman that he was, Jay obviously tried not to look too much and keep his distance as far as it was possible as he helped her across the room and into the warm water. Erin slowly lowered her body until she sat in the tub and wrapped her arms around her knees, resting her head on top of them. The water burned wherever it touched an open wound but it also somehow felt quite soothing at the same time. It was really hard to explain. She tried not to think about any pain too much. It only made her think about a very familiar way to numb it. But she couldn't listen to any of those thoughts right now.

Erin knew that Jay was still there. He sat on the rim of the tub next to her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him lean over and grab a soft sponge from a small cabinet to their right. He soaked it in the water once and then began to gently rub her back with it, careful not to hurt her battered skin. It wasn't as awkward as it might sound. Actually, it felt nice. As if washing away some of the dirt and blood would also wash away some of the memories and shame and fear.

Every once in a while, Jay would find a small piece of glass in her skin. She winced every time he removed one of them, despite his efforts to make it not too hurtful. She just let him do his thing and was actually really grateful she didn't have to deal with all this by herself. Maybe he was right. She did come here for a reason. But that didn't mean she expected him to be like _this_.

"Why are you doing all this for me, Jay?" She finally voiced what she had been thinking the whole time. Her heart rate quickened. "You should hate me." She whispered more to herself than to him. He was quiet for a moment.

"Couldn't if I tried." He finally mumbled. "Trust me."

"Jay." She turned her head a little to look up at him.

"What? Did you forget our deal?" He smiled sadly. "I'll always have your back, no matter what."" He shrugged and added, "I just can't help it."

They went back to a comfortable silence that was only disturbed by the sound of the water every now and then. Erin thought hard about what he said but truth to be told, her head was already spinning enough without trying to decipher the meaning of his words. So instead, she tried to relax a little and just avoid thinking at all, something she should be really good at by now but it seemed hard to ignore the events of this evening.

* * *

About 20 minutes later, Erin sat on his couch again, her damp hair softly falling on her shoulders and a soft towel on her forehead again. She was wearing some of his clothes, her own were too bloody and torn. It felt nice to have some fresh clothes on, especially his. They were way too big for her small frame, considering their height difference and all, so she felt like she had some extra protection, something to hide herself in.

Jay came back from the kitchen with a bottle of water and a fresh towel in his hands. He sat down beside her and handed her the items.

"Thanks."

She opened the bottle and took a few small sips, enjoying the cool sensation. Huh. When was the last time she drank just water? She didn't remember.

"I know you don't want to hear this but I really think you should see a doctor. Those bruises on your back..." He shook his head at the memory and she couldn't blame him. She had only seen her face so far. She could imagine how the rest looked. "How can you sure your ribs are okay? I also think that cut needs some stitches."

Erin glanced at him, trying not to smile, despite the heavy conversation. "I could be wrong, but isn't the other Halstead the one who went to med school? Aren't you the cop brother?"

"I'm serious, Erin." He didn't find her remark funny at all. "I think Chicago Med would be an appropriate place for you to be right now."

"No, I'm telling you, I'm fine." How many times in her life has she said those words?

"Fine." He released a deep breath, frustrated. "You don't have to go anywhere tonight. But I'm telling you we're going to see Will first thing in the morning."

Erin grimaced at the thought but it sounded ten times better than the hospital. He was only worried. She didn't really care about her body but she would do it, for Jay's sake. She agreed eventually. But Jay wasn't done talking.

"Can I ask you something?"

That couldn't be good. Erin's shoulders tensed up a little as she braced herself for the worst. But she nodded. He had the right to have questions.

"Why were you even with those guys in the first place? I mean, you said you didn't even really knew them...I don't get it."

Of course, he didn't. He didn't see her like this. Erin didn't reply but instead shrugged and reached for her jacket that was still lying on the floor next to the couch. Jay watched her as she rummaged through the pockets and soon found what she was looking for. She was actually surprised they were still there, considering the turbulent fight with Travis.

She held the two plastic bags filled with white powder up between two fingers, waving them at him. She had told him enough tonight that she figured this couldn't be such a big deal in comparison. Boy, was she wrong.

Jay's eyes widened and then his expression darkened in a matter of seconds, lips pressing together in a thin line. He was shocked, angry and disappointed…who could blame him? This was pretty messed up after all.

"All right, Erin, you have about 3 seconds to give _that_ to me or I swear I'll-"

"Jay, I was about to ask you to flush it." She interrupted him, no emotion in her voice. She held up her hand, offering him the drugs.

"Oh", was all he could manage. He studied her for a moment, not having expected her request. He took a deep breath, nodded reassuringly at her and snatched the baggies out of her hands. "In that case…"

He stood and left her alone in the living room. She looked after him, thinking about the fact that those drugs could ease her pain in a matter of minutes. But she couldn't. It was the right choice to get rid of them. Jay eventually returned and sat down on the coffee table to face her. She felt like he expected some kind of explanation. He deserved one.

"Bunny sent me to get them. She warned me about Travis but she sent me anyway 'cause she had to work tonight and couldn't go score herself." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I don't even know why I agreed to do it…"

"Hey, let's not talk about Bunny, okay?" He reached out touch her arm again. "It's getting pretty late and you look ready to drop. You should rest and we'll talk to Voight tomorrow to figure things out. Sound good?"

No, that sounded anything but good to Erin. She didn't want Voight or the unit to get involved in her problems. For one, she had disappointed Voight enough already but most of all, she didn't want anyone to clean up her mess again and put themselves in harms way. She wouldn't make it if anything happened to them because of her. Not again. She would have to figure a way out to talk Jay out of that tomorrow.

"Hey." Jay waved his hand in front of her face to catch her attention, smiling nervously. "You still here?"

"Um, yeah, sounds good. Sorry."

He made sure she had some kind of bandage over her wound before they made their way over to his bedroom. He helped her get settled on the soft mattress and pulled the comforter over her battered body, making sure she was all warm and comfortable.

"Do you need anything else?"

 _Yes, but you just flushed it down the toilet,_ she thought. She hated how much she wanted to have some painkillers right now but she knew she couldn't. She wanted to be better. For him. Although she would never admit that.

"No, I'm good, thanks." She said instead.

He smiled at her and was about to turn and leave when she grabbed his wrist, keeping him from moving. He turned his head around again and studied her questioningly, eyebrows raised in confusion.

"Stay, please. I don't…" She couldn't tell him the reason she wanted him to be here with her. She was afraid she would drown in pain, nightmares and cravings if he left. She didn't want to be alone. She looked up into his eyes, knowing she probably looked insane. Under normal circumstances, she would never be so...clingy and needy. She hated how she must seem now. But she couldn't help it. But her worries were washed away as he smiled warmly down at her.

"'Course. I'll be right back, all right?"

Erin released his arm and looked after him as he left the room to turn off the lights in the kitchen and living room. When he returned, she was laying on her side, curled into a ball and facing the wall. She heard him go to the bathroom and change before he returned once again in a plain white shirt and dark sweatpants. He climbed into bed on his side and propped himself up on his elbow to watch her.

Erin felt his gaze on her and slowly rolled over on her back, wincing at the movements. She tilted her head a little to look over at him, catching him staring.

"What?" She whispered, suppressing a small yawn.

"Nothing." He replied. "I'm just really glad you're here, you know..." He trailed off, but clearly, he wanted to say more. She still couldn't wrap her head around how amazing he was. He was the best friend she ever had. But that thought made her sad because he deserved a good friend back. Not her, who kept screwing up, hurting him even though she knew he still cared.

Jay seemed like he was debating something, worried about doing the wrong thing. But after a moment, he hesitantly reached over and placed his hand over hers, rubbing his thumb over her soft but cold skin.

"It's all gonna be better tomorrow. I promise."

Erin really appreciated his efforts but she also knew he shouldn't make such promises. But she just nodded and squeezed his knuckles lightly, resting both their hands on her stomach. She faced the ceiling, closing her eyes but still feeling his gaze on her. That small connection of their hands actually distracted her from most of her worries right now. It was something to focus on instead of her aching body and dark thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her. Maybe it would even be enough to make her sleep peacefully for once. But all her energy had long vanished and soon, she found herself drifting off into oblivion, knowing that she could count on Jay, no matter what, even though she knew she didn't deserve it.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading! I don't know when the next update will be but I'll try my best. And yup, I totally stole a scene from Grey's Anatomy...just out of curiosity, does anyone know what I'm referring to? ;)**


	12. Her already fractured soul

**A/N: Hey, guys! Just look at the numbers for this story so far! I mean, you are incredible! Never thought you'd respond that way. Thank you so much for taking the time to review and all the PMs and I am grateful to every single one of you cause your response keeps me motivated and excited about this. I'm really pouring my heart into this story and I appreciate the support. :)**

 **Also, I guess, congrats to those who guessed that "stolen" Grey's moment right in the last one. I'm really glad you agree that the scene was just so sweet for Linstead.**

 **Please enjoy this intense one and read the second author's note, it's important! Oh, and happy #ChicagoPDWednesday!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: I have no words that could describe the pure rush of emotions I felt during last week's episode(s)...** **Just think about the endless possibilities for more cute Linstead moments in the next episodes. I can't handle the feels!** **Although I also gotta say I'm still waiting for a decent talk about the stuff that happened to Erin and the things she's done but I'm confident that's gonna come up eventually. Any thoughts?**

* * *

 **Chapter 11: Her already fractured soul**

 _ **(Jay's P.O.V.)**_

Jay woke with a start, sitting up straight in his bed as he thought he heard some noise close to his ear. His heart was racing in his chest and he was instantly on high alert, adrenaline rushing through his body.

"Erin?" He frantically whispered into the darkness, his voice a little raspy. Did she try to wake him? What was wrong?

But he got no answer. Instead, he heard some quiet, indefinable sounds coming from his right but he couldn't see why, didn't understand what she was doing. It was simply too dark.

So, he reached over and almost knocked the lamp off his nightstand in the process as he hurriedly tried to turn on the lights. He rubbed his eye with the back of his hand as he looked over at Erin's side, propping himself up on one elbow.

She was curled up in a ball beside Jay, facing him as she clutched her hands to the pillow. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she seemed to be still asleep, but her body was constantly moving. She kept tossing and turning and moving her arms while small drops of sweat glistened on her face. He realized the bandage on her head was gone, she must've managed to get rid of it in her sleep.

Jay watched as she suddenly winced, her whole body shaking, before she quietly whimpered something incoherent into the pillow. He watched as a single, small tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek.

That was it. He could no longer sit around and watch her obviously suffer. He scooted a little closer to her and gently shook her arm a little, trying to rip her from whatever it was that she saw right now.

"Hey, Erin." He said loudly, trying his best not to startle her. But she just tried to back away from his touch in her sleep, visibly more uncomfortable than ever. He shook her again, harder this time, instantly feeling bad that he might hurt her, considering the wounds he knew were hidden underneath that sweater.

"No..."

All of a sudden, her hand grabbed his wrist and her hazel eyes fluttered half-open, unfocused.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

She flailed around, still trying to escape his touch. As he quickly removed his hand from her grip, Jay realized she still wasn't fully awake. He had no idea how to handle this, but it broke his heart to see her so distressed. So, it took him about half a second to decide, before he reached over and pulled her shaking body towards him, trying to rip her from whatever bad dream she might have. She kept fighting him, punching his arms and chest. But he barely felt a thing as they weren't nearly as strong as they would be under normal circumstances. He just pulled her close, turning her back against his front and crossing his arms over her chest from behind as he sat up against the headboard.

"No, don't…", she whimpered again, her voice dripping with pain and fear.

"Hey, it's me, Jay. It's okay. I'm here." He kept talking to her, whispering in her ear over and over again, "It's okay."

Her skin was cold as ice, and it seemed like every single muscle in her body was tensed, almost cramping.

"Hey! Erin, I'm here!" He spoke so clearly this time, so demanding, that it actually shook her out of it. He wished he could see her face but he knew he did something right as she instantly stopped trying to escape his arms and breathed heavily, almost choking.

"Hey, it's all right. I got you."

She released another shaky breath and slowly turned in his embrace, eyes wide open now, facing him. He felt her incredibly fast heartbeat against his chest.

"Jay?" She brought out, trying to catch her breath.

"You all right?"

"I…"

She closed her eyes for a moment. Another tear rolled down her cheek but she quickly wiped it away with the sleeve of her sweater. Her panting was the only thing audible for a few moments before she noticed the position they were in and backed away a bit, creating a little bit of space between them, but they were still touching. She sat next to his legs, her hand on her chest, directly over her heart.

"I'm sorry." She eventually whispered, still trying to calm down. Her eyes were far away, deep in thought. Suddenly she winced, grimacing, and brought a hand to her side. Jay grimaced as well, as he imagined her pain.

"You okay?" He shifted a little and straightened his spine as he sat on the bed, eyes on Erin in front of him.

"Yeah, it's just…" She bit her lip, avoiding his gaze. "I'm a little sore, that's all. I'm fine."

He knew she was downplaying that, saw how the gash on her forehead was also a little bloody again. But she wouldn't tell him that it hurt. He didn't want to push it but he did need to know what her dream was about. What made her talk and cry in her sleep. Why she kept shivering like hell, trying to hide in her sweater right now, even though the bed was warm.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Her head shot up, not prepared for that question.

"Not really…"

Of course she would shut him down. Sadly, he had gotten quite used to that and he was long done accepting her attempts to put up her walls. He was done taking no for an answer. He raised his eyebrow and sighed.

"Erin."

She looked up at him, obviously uncomfortable about the whole situation. She shivered again, wrapping her arms around herself. She seemed conflicted. Unsure if she should let him all the way in. Eventually, she sighed before she slowly shifted and rolled on her back again. She rested her head half against his side, half on his stomach and basically used him as a human pillow. He would be lying if he said he wasn't surprised at that, but he knew she needed some kind of contact, needed to know he was still there. Not that she would ever admit that though. But he knew. And that was all that mattered, right?

He grabbed the comforter and covered her body with it as he watched her. Erin simply stared up at the ceiling for a while, still shivering despite the warmth, and he was about to think she wouldn't say anything at all, just as she cleared her throat and broke the silence in a raspy whisper.

"I can't forget his eyes. If I hadn't - that boy, he wasn't…" She trailed off but Jay sensed where this was going.

"That guy would have killed him regardless." He truly believed that after everything she had told him. "You tried to save him."

"Yeah, because me trying to save people has worked out so well lately…"

Not this again. He couldn't believe she thought about herself that way. He saw her as a completely different person. It made him mad and speechless how someone like Erin could see themselves in such a negative way. It took him a moment to find the right words.

"Erin." He spoke very clearly and slowly, trying to make an important point he knew she needed to hear. "It's not your fault. Not at all. What happened to him - or Nadia for that matter - is not on you." He felt her wince a little at the mention of her name. He knew she didn't want to talk about all this, knew it was all still fresh and he didn't want to make her uncomfortable but he just knew this was important. She would never get better if she kept thinking that way, if she kept pushing the pain away, drowning herself in guilt.

"It doesn't matter. Dead is dead, right?"

Jay just stared down at her strained face, taking in the bitterness in her voice, knowing she couldn't have listened to a word he had said. She didn't want to.

"Don't do this to yourself."

She didn't respond. Her whole body tensed up again, and she began to shiver even harder than before, her jaw clenched.

"What's wrong?" He tensed up as well, concerned.

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I can't do this..."

Jay almost felt like she was talking more to herself than to him.

"I'm sorry, I'm just…"

She started shaking like hell. He grabbed the comforter and wrapped it closer around her, trying to keep her trembling body warm. But then, as he watched her struggle, felt her shiver against his body, it dawned on him.

"You're not just cold, are you?"

She shook her head and mumbled, "Not exactly…".

"Okay, what do you need then? Should I call Voight or maybe-" But he was interrupted.

"No, I don't want him to see me like this again. I've let him down enough already…" Her voice was so quiet at the last part that he had to listen very carefully to get it.

"So, then what?" He asked, equally worried and frustrated. "Erin, you're seriously scaring the crap out of me."

"I'll be fine…it's just the…I haven't taken anything since yesterday and..."

Jay kept quiet, processing her words. What she was really saying was that her body was too used to painkillers after the past weeks that it reacted this way now. He knew some stuff about drugs, had seen what a bitch withdrawal could be. So he respected her request, even though he thought she needed real help. But to be honest, there were so many issues, so much going on, that it was hard to decide what was the most important. For now, he figured it was important to let her get some rest. Her whole body had been through so much the past day and he saw all energy had left her small body, she was fighting to keep her eyes open, even with all the shivering going on.

Jay sat there, Erin still resting against him. After what felt like an eternity, he felt her muscles relax a little and eventually, her breathing evened out and soon, the exhaustion took over and she fell back asleep. He waited a few more minutes to make sure she was really out of it, watched her chest slowly rise and fall, before he carefully shifted. He leaned forward, put his arms under her upper body and gently changed her position, so that she was laying with her head on his pillow now. He made sure he didn't wake her and pulled the comforter higher up her chest and quietly got out of bed.

He released a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, as he looked back down at Erin's sleeping form. Her face was relaxed again, no hint of what she went through the past hours. Huh. There it was again. The innocence of sleep. It was so peaceful. And yet, Jay felt a giant rush of anger and frustration rising in his chest. He left her in his bedroom and almost ran for the door. He suddenly had trouble breathing, his anger controlling him. He pushed through the door of his apartment, ignoring the chilling air that instantly hit him, and just paced up and down the hallway.

"Damn it!"

He swirled around all of a sudden and just punched the wall with his fist, finally releasing all the emotions he tried so hard to hide from her all night long. This was all too much. Whenever he closed his eyes, all he could see was that man hurting Erin, intentionally injuring her with shards of glass, putting a gun to her head. But the damage he did to her already fractured soul was even more enraging. He could only imagine what her dream had been about. Oh, how Jay wished he could meet that guy.

On top of that, he didn't know what he was doing with her half the time. Was it right not to drive her to the ER? Did he even know if she told him the whole truth? Did he overstep some boundaries by sleeping in the same bed as her, holding her, being so close to her? And apart from that, how was he supposed to feel about what she told him about, the drug thing, the stuff she had done?

He didn't know. He really didn't. But he always trusted his gut. And right now, his gut told him to believe her, to be there for her, to make it easier for her and most of all, to keep fighting for her. He always followed his instincts.

Jay rubbed his face with his hands, trying to calm down. That last thought was actually not that bad. Right now, all his instincts yelled at him to call Voight and deal with that Travis guy first. Above all the questions he had, all the uncertainty, the pure hatred towards that man dominated his thoughts. He wanted him to pay, wanted to keep Erin safe. They could deal with everything else tomorrow, but this, this was pretty serious and he was convinced that the sooner they dealt with Travis, the better for everyone.

But what about Erin? She was right inside, finally sleeping again, exhausted, injured and scared. And it was the middle of the night. He couldn't leave her alone. He wouldn't leave her alone.

Jay released a deep breath and walked back to his apartment. He closed the door again and made his way back to the bedroom. There she was, still fast asleep. He shook his head. That was it. He couldn't waste another minute. For her sake. Everything else could wait. He searched for his phone and quickly dialled a familiar number. He glanced at the time on his phone. It was almost 3 in the morning. He grew more impatient by the second, pacing up and down in his living room, almost tripping over Erin's jacket that still lay on the floor in the dim light coming from the bedroom. Finally, a tired voice answered.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, Will, I know it's crazy late but I need a favor…"

* * *

 **A/N: Man, this one was heavy and I hope it turned out okay. I had to do a little research about the withdrawal stuff cause I've never done drugs myself but I felt like it should be addressed and some of you had the same thought. And by research I actually mean I watched Amelia's addiction storyline in Season 5 of Private Practice again - they beautifully addressed it there - and I also looked it up and read some stories online. I did this kind of research before for a fanfic I published earlier this year (about Amelia actually). So, I know some stuff** **about it and I truly try to not casually write about such a serious disease.**

 **BUT I don't plan on turning this into a big addiction story. I want to address it in the next chapters a little cause I don't like how they 100% ignored it on the show so far. But I don't want Erin to go to rehab for weeks, especially with what happens in the next chapter aka the turning point/rock bottom for her (so excited for you to read that, though I think you can already guess what will happen). What I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure if this approach is realistic enough but I just like to think Erin is at a point now (about 3 weeks after she quit btw) where she's "just" on the verge of having a serious addiction problem.**

 **If anyone has any suggestions/ideas/questions about it, please contact me or tell all of us about it in a review! Thanks for reading this second author's note but it is very important to me to let you know my thoughts about this subject and how I plan the next chapters.**

 **-Dana**


	13. It felt wrong

**A/N: Hey, guys. No, of course I'm not abandoning this story :) I'm really sorry it took me this long to update again, I hope you're not too mad at me...? :O**

 **I didn't get to properly edit this, at least not the way usually do, so there could be some mistakes. I'm not sure about this chapter, it's not been that much fun to write to be honest. I like the next one much better. But this one is quite important important, so I had to do it this way.**

 **Also, I actually wrote a lot of it that weekend after the Paris attacks occurred. I had to find an outlet for my emotions and working on some new piano music for Christmas just wasn't enough.**

 **I thought I'd also mention I'm working on three Linstead stories that I'm planning on publishing sometime during hiatus. Just some missing moments from two episodes this season and an AU fic. Really excited about all that.**

 **Please enjoy the chapter ;)**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: Thoughts on the fall finale? I loved the Voight/Erin stuff but I'm not that excited about the cliffhanger. I just wasn't expecting it to be about Roman.**

 **Oh and I'm gonna try to update every Wednesday throughout hiatus, so that in a way, I still have my #ChicagoPDWednesday :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 12: It felt wrong**

 _ **(Erin's P.O.V.)**_

Erin woke with a start, eyes wide open. Her heart was beating like crazy, as she leaned forward, clutching her arms around her middle. Tears threatened to fall as she sat there, panting.

She had felt crappy before, knew what pain was but she never thought she'd feel like this ever again.

Sore. That was actually the word that came to mind. She felt so sore. And weak. The pain she had felt just hours ago was nothing compared to this. Her mind was racing as she closed her eyes. Her whole body was aching.

Erin didn't want to move too much. She was afraid she might puke. So she just slowly turned over and lay on her side, curling up into a ball. It was dead quiet in the room. Too quiet actually. She opened her eyes and looked around, confused. A few rays of the early morning sun illuminated the familiar bedroom. She was all alone. Jay wasn't here.

She closed her eyes again and thought back to yesterday's events. Unfortunately, she remembered everything. From talking to Bunny about going to score to falling asleep against Jay's body.

She missed his warmth now. His way of making her feel safe. She would never admit that though, she wasn't that kind of girl who depended on a guy for anything. She had learned that at the end of the day, she was the only one she could count on. It's what life had taught her.

But she couldn't deny that she felt cold now. Not just her skin, but also deep inside. She missed how he made her feel like everything was going to be okay again, even though Erin was by no means convinced of that.

Her thoughts inevitably drifted off to last night again. How she had watched as all life left a kid's eyes, how she fought for her own life. She subconsciously touched the mark on her throat, tracing the bloody cut with her fingertips. She went through all of that mess and chaos only to end up bloody and beaten on somebody's doorstep. Except that Jay wasn't just somebody.

Was this what they call rock bottom? Was this as low as a person can get? She didn't have an answer to that. His words kept ringing in her ears. _You came all the way here for a reason._

Her headache only got stronger the longer she thought about all of that, the longer she tried to figure it out. Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and decided to get up and look for Jay. Or at least some aspirin.

She slowly managed to sit up, a small groan escaping her lips. She took a deep breath and stood, holding onto the wall for support. She took a few steps towards the doorway, noticing how with each step, her muscles felt a tiny bit less sore. She wrapped her arms around her torso as she carefully made her way through the apartment.

"Jay?" Erin's voice came out as just a hoarse whisper. She cleared her throat and called out again, louder this time.

"Jay, you here?" But he didn't answer.

She peeked into every room but she soon came to the conclusion that the apartment was empty. She was alone. Her heart rate immediately quickened. Her senses heightened. She couldn't help but feel high on alert. Jay wasn't there to have her back. She didn't even have her gun.

 _Relax_ , she told herself. _Don't freak out over nothing._

Trying to ignore that he had left her all alone, Erin felt how her headache got worse by the second. She made her way over to the bathroom and almost lost her balance when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She held onto the rim of the sink and inspected her reflection.

She looked like crap. There was really no nicer way to put it. Apart from her sickly, pale skin, her messed up hair and those defeated eyes, the wound on her forehead immediately caught her attention. It was pretty nasty and actually looked a lot worse than yesterday. Same went for the black eye, that was a disturbing shade of blue and purple. The cut on her throat wasn't deep but she figured it would probably leave a scar. As if she needed the eternal reminder of last night's fight, of the trouble she had gotten herself into.

Erin decided she didn't want to look at her other bruises hidden underneath Jay's hoodie and sweatpants she was wearing. Why do that when you can pretend you don't know they're even there? When you can pretend you don't feel how your ribs ache with every step and how every movement caused those tiny cuts all over her body to hurt.

She quickly turned away from the mirror and searched the closets for something for her growing headache.

About 30 minutes later, she was back in Jay's living room, sitting on the couch. She looked around the room. It was weird to be here without him. It felt wrong. It was his apartment. And besides, she couldn't stay here anyway. There was this whole messed up Travis business she needed to discuss with him and, as much as she didn't want to, with Hank. And after that, she would have to go back to her own apartment, face the empty rooms she had loved, the place she once called home. It was the home she shared with Nadia not too long ago. And it was still full of Nadia's stuff. Erin had been to her room only once since she…since she left. That was only a couple of days after they returned from New York. But she had shut the door, locked it and to be honest, she didn't even know where the key was hidden now. Her memories of that day were a little fuzzy, as she had drowned her grief in a bottle of Jack.

Erin didn't want to go back there, didn't want to leave this familiar place behind. But she knew she had to sooner or later.

She got up and went over to the coat rack next to the door where she sure enough found her jacket and her shoes. How could a person be so obsessed with being neat? _It must be the soldier in him,_ she thought. Because no one she knew was as tidy as Jay. Erin herself was quite the opposite, always had been.

She was about to put on her shoes when the door swung open all of a sudden. She almost fell, startled, but a strong hand caught her just in time before she hit the ground. She was about to fight back when she looked up into Will Halstead's eyes, an apologetic smile on his lips.

"Whoa, didn't mean to scare you." He helped her up, his hand still on her shoulder.

"Where's Jay?" Erin eyed him wearily. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, sorry", he began. "I was just around the block to get you some decent breakfast. Didn't expect you to be up already." He turned around and picked up a bag he had apparently dropped by the door. He rummaged around its contents and soon held up some bagels. "Looks like Jay doesn't like to go grocery shopping. Like, _ever_. I swear that was the saddest fridge I've ever seen. And-"

"Where is Jay?" Erin repeated, confused. Will's expression turned serious.

"He said you were here and he needed to go somewhere." He looked at his watch. "That was actually quite a few hours ago. He didn't give me any details, before you ask", he quickly added at her expression. "I'm just supposed to look after you."

"Huh."

Erin could imagine what Jay was doing. He was probably with Hank, talking about solving the Travis problem, thinking about how they could clean up the mess she had caused.

"I wanna go to the district." She turned around to grab her coat, wincing as she moved her arm a little too quickly.

"Um, I don't think-" Will began but was immediately cut off.

"Will. I don't need a babysitter, I need to talk to Voight."

She attempted to walk to the door but Will still blocked her way.

"No."

Erin looked up at him in disbelief. What?

"Jay figured you'd say that. He wants you to stay here and he'll call as soon as he can."

He held up his hands, as if he was dealing with an upset animal, afraid it was gonna bite his head off any second.

"I don't need this crap." Erin mumbled under her breath and tried to push past Will but again, he stopped her.

"Erin, please, he trusts me. At least, let me check you over and then we can talk about leaving. You look awful. Come on."

"I'm fine."

"You're not." He gestured to her injuries. "I don't even need to be a doctor to see that."

She looked into those piercing blue eyes, the ones that made his relation to Jay undeniable. And even though she didn't like to admit it, he had a point. She sighed and gave in.

"Fine."

Will smiled a little, obviously glad he had managed to convince her to stay, and led her back to the couch. He was about to ask her if she wanted some coffee when his phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered while Erin stared at her hands, already thinking about how she would face Jay and Hank later.

"Yeah?"

Erin looked up and watched as Will's smile fell after only a few seconds. He looked…concerned? The call didn't last long.

"Got it. We'll be right there."

He hung up and looked down at Erin, worry written all over his face.

"What is it?" She pressed, as he didn't say anything.

"There's, um, there's been a change of plans."

"Who was that? Jay?"

"Not exactly." He went to grab her shoes and tossed them to her. "Listen, we need to go. Now." He sounded very much in a hurry all of a sudden.

"I don't-"

"Erin, trust me, we need to go now. It's Jay."

"What are you talking about? I wanna talk to-"

Will ran a hand through his hair and spoke very clearly, not rushed but quite urging.

"Okay, shut up for a second, all right? That was the hospital. Jay's at Med. He's in surgery because he's been shot."

Erin's mind couldn't process Will's words. It made absolutely no sense to her. But when she repeated the words in her head, as she was soon shoved outside by the older Halstead, the meaning of what Will had said sank in. Jay was apparently badly injured. He's been shot. How? When? Why? Where? How badly? All those questions raced through her head.

Erin felt like she'd just been hit with a brick in the stomach. A giant wave of anxiety and panic and adrenaline rushed though her entire body all of a sudden. She went into shock mode, unable to speak or do anything. Will managed to get her into his car nevertheless and he put his foot down, rushing them both to Chicago Med. Erin just stared ahead of her, not registering a thing. Was this still part of her nightmare from earlier? She hoped so.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading and sorry about the cliffhanger. If you have questions about it, feel free to ask them and I'm open to any criticism. I'll explain a lot in the next chapter, can't wait for you guys to read it. And I should mention that Voight is making an appearance then. Some HUGE moments coming up. ;)**

 **-Dana**


	14. Distracted

**A/N: So, I wanted to upload this on #ChicagoPDWednesday as I said I would but somehow my computer didn't want me to. I just couldn't upload the document for some reason -.-**

 **BUT I finally fixed all that and here is Chapter 13! But I didn't get to properly edit it and the same goes for the last chapter btw. I hope it still makes sense but if it doesn't for some reason, feel free to tell me.**

 **Also, I said I would explain a few things here but I decided it makes more sense to do that in an upcoming chapter because I would be revealing too much now.**

 **Please enjoy and tell my what y'all think!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: Sorry it's not that long :( and I'm not sure about the last part, it's not my best work as I think Erin might be a little OOC but it was pretty late when I wrote it. I'll edit the last few chapters this weekend and re-upload them. :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 13: Distracted**

 _ **(Erin's P.O.V.)**_

Erin wished she could go back to that time when her life seemed to be heading in a good direction. To a time where she thought she had long overcome her past, where she could truly allow herself to be happy. She just wished with everything inside her that all of this was just a horrible nightmare and that she would wake up any second in her warm and comforting bed. But life didn't work like that.

As Erin was hurriedly pushed through the busy hallways of Chicago Med, her mind had completely shut itself off by now. She just couldn't think straight anymore. This was a different kind of numb, something she had never experienced before. She was so distraught that she almost bumped into Will as he abruptly stopped in his tracks and faced her, firmly grabbing her shoulders with both hands.

"All right, Erin." He stared intently into her eyes, making sure she was listening. "I'm gonna go find out what's going on and see if there is anything I can do. You should stay here with your people. Sargent Voight should be here soon."

Before Erin could even process what he had just said, the older Halstead brother was already gone. And Erin found herself standing in the middle of a small waiting area, directly facing none other than Antonio and Atwater.

She froze on the spot and held her breath, every single muscle in her body was strained. With wide eyes, she stared at the two men she considered as part of her family, as brothers. They were sitting in two of the chairs, talking in a hushed tone to one another. They looked upset and very serious.

Erin couldn't rip her eyes from them. She felt incredibly guilty and also embarrassed just looking at them. She had left them behind, had tried to forget them and what she had done.

Erin suddenly felt like she was suffocating, her lungs just wouldn't work properly. She couldn't let them see her like this. She was at an ultimate low point. Beaten, emotionally exhausted, defeated.

But suddenly, as if he had heard her thoughts, Antonio turned his head right in that moment and soon spotted her standing there. His dark eyes widened in shock as he recognized her. Atwater followed his gaze and he also had to look twice to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

"Erin?" He mouthed and slowly rose from his seat.

That movement shook Erin out of her trance. She backed up a bit, breathing heavily as she tried to avoid her former colleagues. She couldn't face them, couldn't even bear to be in the same room as them. They deserved so much better and reminded her of why she quit the unit in the first place. She couldn't be the one causing the ones she loved any pain.

She hurriedly turned in an attempt to escape the sudden confrontation but instantly bumped into something heavy. Looking up at the man that was now awkwardly holding her in his arms, her heart dropped for the second time in the past minute and she thought she'd pass out right there and then. Voight.

Erin wanted to run so badly but her limbs wouldn't obey as he took a step back and looked her up and down, taking in her battered state. She didn't dare to look into those intense eyes, instead she stared at a button on his dark jacket. But she could imagine his look of sheer disappointment.

"Come on, kid."

Voight put an arm around her shoulders and guided her away from the waiting area, away from Antonio and Atwater. He didn't say a word but he kept leading her through the hospital.

Erin felt trapped. She couldn't even make herself look at him. She was too ashamed to face the man who had saved her life more than once and then had to watch how she threw it all away, how she broke everything she touched.

Hank Voight, who had always had her back no matter what. The man was the closest thing she had to a father. His disappointment was enough to make her nauseous. She had let him down. Again.

They stopped in front of a nurse station and he began talking to the nurse, never easing his grip on her shoulder. She didn't listen to what they were saying, she was still trying to think of a way to get out of this. And about Jay. What the hell happened? Her thoughts were spinning, making her dizzy.

"Erin!"

She flinched. Voight was looking down at her, studying her expression. She made the mistake of looking up at him for a second. The emotions flashing in his eyes were overwhelming. She stared at him, waiting for him to repeat what he had just apparently tried to tell her.

"I said, let's go."

What? What was he doing? Where were they going? And even more importantly, she wanted to know what was going on with Jay, she needed answers. Because the worry was eating her alive. And yet, she found herself walking alongside Voight down the hallway, unable to speak up and voice her questions.

* * *

After a few moments, they stopped at a small waiting room and he gestured for her to take a seat.

Again, she avoided looking at him and braced herself for whatever he might say about Jay. Or about her mistakes. The possibilities were endless. Voight took a deep breath as he sat next to her. He doesn't say anything for a few moments but then finally speaks up.

"So, this morning I get a call from Halstead." His voice was controlled, sensing that Erin was on the edge of her seat, hanging onto every word. "He makes us go take down this drug dealer who supposedly killed a kid the other night. Says it's important to get him. Tells me everything." He pauses and glances down at her and Erin can't help but feel alarmed. He knew everything? "So, we want to make it quick and have Mouse find the location. Turns out it's a large warehouse down by the river, no big deal. We go in and catch the bad guy and his friends but they don't go down without a fight."

Voight took in her expression and added, "Halstead was distracted, Travis didn't think twice about using that for his own benefit. Don't worry, I took care of that bastard."

Her heart was beating like crazy. He still hadn't said anything specific about Jay and that made her even more anxious. Erin's foot was nervously shaking as she glanced up at Voight, silently asking him what she needed to know. He gave her a small, comforting smile and put a hand on her back.

"He's gonna be fine. Just a through-and-through in the shoulder. Doc said he's gonna be as good as new when he's outta here in a few days. Called it a small miracle."

But she didn't even properly listen to the last part.

"He's okay?" She asked in a small voice. It was the first time she had said anything since she ran into Voight. She needed to hear it one more time.

"He's okay." He confirmed, watching her every move. Relief washed over her. But it soon mixed with the indescribable amount of guilt that came rushing through her body.

"Can we go see him?" She needed to see for herself that he was alive, needed to see him breathing. This was all her fault.

Voight took another deep breath, swallowing down whatever he wanted to say and gave in.

"Figured you'd say that. I'll see what I can do."

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope it'll work out next Wednesday. I have 4 very important exams and a few other things in the next two weeks. But I'll try to make it work :)**


	15. You okay?

**A/N: Hey, you guys! Did y'all watch Wednesday's episode? Still not over how sweet Erin is as a girlfriend :o**

 **Well, I'm obviously alive enough to watch CPD every week but not to update regularly :D Really, I am so so sorry that the last update for this story was LAST YEAR! But I don't even wanna bore you with some lame excuses so let's just move onto the next chapters.**

 **IMPORTANT : You might want to re-read the past 13 chapters to refresh your memory (or at least chapter 13). I know it took _me_ 3 days to read everything again and see what I had planned a few weeks ago. (Again - I'm sorry)**

 **Since some chapters obviously take place at Chicago Med, I know some of you probably expect me to include Med characters other than Will. I did watch the premiere and the crossover episodes BUT I'm not really into that show (Sorry, Med fans). I've always been a Grey's Anatomy fan and this just isn't what I expected it to be. I will try to include Med characters though but there will probably only be brief cameos cause I don't really know how to write them. Also, I have no idea of how that hospital is structured and stuff so please don't be mad at me.**

 **But please enjoy this pretty intense chapter and I hope you still like the story!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: I just realized the other day that the way I wrote this flashback about Erin and Charlie a few chapters back doesn't really make sense. She was involved with him AFTER Voight and Camille took her in, right?  
** **(I hate it when people don't get the details straight so I understand if you want me to change that chapter, just let me know)**

* * *

 **Chapter 14: You okay?**

 _ **(Erin's P.O.V.)**_

Barely five minutes later, a friendly nurse was leading them through the hospital. Erin's heart was pounding in her chest like crazy. This all happened so fast. One minute she was on her way to score for her mom and the next she was about to see her injured partner in a damn hospital. Her thoughts were spinning and her head hurt worse than ever but she didn't care. She needed to see him.

She tried her best to properly walk beside Voight but her body screamed at her to rest. But she ignored the pain, didn't even fully register it, as the three of them made their way through the busy hallways of Chicago Med. She bumped into a few nurses along the way, cursing under her breath a couple times as she tried to keep up with Voight.

She released a shaky breath as they finally stopped in front of a grey door. Room 203. Erin stared at the sign, trying to somewhat prepare herself for what might await her behind that door. She shivered despite Jay's warm hoodie she was still wearing and quickly hugged her arms around herself, trying not to wince as she put pressure on several small cuts and bruises on her ribs. But the nurse noticed and looked her over with an uncertain expression, her green eyes drifting to the nasty wound on her forehead.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take a look at that cut? It won't take-"

But Voight interrupted her and firmly said, "I got it, thanks."

The woman didn't look too happy about his response but didn't push it any further either. She probably figured a cop knew what he was doing.

"All right, then. Um, before you go in there you should know that Detective Halstead is probably asleep again. He just got back from surgery about half an hour ago. " She looked at Erin again, worry evident in her kind eyes. She patted her arm a little and it took everything in Erin not to flinch at the touch. "Just don't hesitate to call me if you need anything, honey."

Erin just nodded stiffly and watched as the nurse hurried off. Only the sound of Voight's voice made her look up again.

"You got 10 minutes." His tone left absolutely no room for discussion. He just gestured for her to go ahead as he leaned against the wall next to the room, scratching his chin absentmindedly before crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Erin felt his eyes on her as she hesitantly grabbed the handle and walked in. She quietly closed the door behind her and took a deep breath before slowly turning around. She took in the sight in front of her, her heart dropping.

Jay was lying in the center of the small, way too bright room in his hospital bed, surrounded by various machines. His upper body was wrapped in bandages and barely covered by the white blanket. His breathing was steady and calm, his eyes closed. He was asleep, just like the nurse had said.

Erin just stood there, staring at her injured partner for what felt like an eternity. The reality of it all finally truly hit her. This was all because of her. He had tried to clean up her mess, help her out, and then got _shot_ in the process. They had promised to always have each other's back. But she had broken that promise. And he had paid the price for her mistakes.

She eventually mustered up enough courage to walk closer but suddenly, she was afraid he might wake up any second and yell at her for being a horrible person. It was an irrational thought but she couldn't help it.

After a few moments, she slowly managed to pull up a chair and sit next to his bed though - ignoring how her battered body was more and more protesting against all the walking she'd done today - and just watched his chest slowly rise and fall in a steady rhythm. She slightly shook her head as she realized she could have lost another person close to her heart today. And it would have been her fault. Again. Why did these things keep happening to the people she cared about?

Erin carefully traced the palm of his motionless hand with her trembling fingers before she wrapped it in both her cold hands with one swift motion. A single tear escaped her eye and slowly ran down her left cheek as she stared at the sleeping man in front of her. How many times did she push him away, trying to save him all the trouble that came with caring about her? She wanted him and the unit to be safe, didn't want to be the reason people got hurt. Well, looking at Jay right now made it pretty obvious that didn't work out so well. In fact, she had only made everything worse for him. So much worse. Maybe she should have left Chicago altogether a long time ago, then none of this would have even happened. Oh, how she wished she could have a serious conversation with the person in charge of this messed up world. If only she believed in a greater power, a god, a guardian over the universe - call it as you like - then she could blame them for all the misery. But she didn't.

She sighed. She simply didn't deserve Jay's efforts. He had done so much to help her, had tried everything he could to save her from herself. Because for some insane reason he thought she was worth it. But…was she?

Erin jumped as she felt his fingers slightly squeeze hers back. She glanced up at his pale face but he had his eyes closed, still out of it. Great, now she was imagining things. Or, well, her nerves could still be on fire from all the crap she took the past weeks. She couldn't be sure but decided she would like to think it had been the first option, even though the soreness of her muscles, the tingling sensation on her skin and the subtle nausea tried to convince her of the second thought.

She let go of his hand and leaned back in the chair, groaning as her side hurt again, as if she needed to be reminded of why Jay was here in the first place. He was here because she screwed up. Big time.

Just then, before she could let her thoughts wander further in that direction, the door opened and Voight peeked inside. Part of her was kind of relieved actually, as Voight saved her from being sober _and_ alone with her thoughts for the first time in weeks. She already wanted to crawl into a hole and just hide from the world but she knew she had to keep it together in front of him.

"You comin'?" His voice was almost clear of any emotion. He seemed to be hiding his true feelings about all of this. She didn't know yet if that was a good or a really bad sign and it scared the crap out of her.

But nevertheless, Erin stood and shot one last glance at Jay's sleeping form before she made her way towards the door. It's not like she had a choice. After she had quietly closed the door behind her again, he instantly wrapped his arm back around her shoulder, like he had done earlier, and began to lead her away from Jay's room. She was beginning to think this really was a way to physically trap her. Maybe now he was gonna start the conversation she had dreaded ever since she had first seen him earlier. Maybe he would now want to know the ugly truth, make her talk about the stuff she never ever wanted to talk about - especially with him. Because that's what Voight would normally do. But as they turned around the third corner now and he still hadn't said anything, she decided this whole situation was far from normal.

"Where are we going?", she hesitantly asked with a small, hoarse voice. He glanced sideways at her before calmly answering.

"You didn't seriously think I would let you walk around like that without having somebody check you over, did you?"

A shiver went down her spine. Oh. She didn't want strangers to examine her, ask her awkward questions she didn't want to answer. They would tell her exactly how screwed up she was and she didn't want to hear it. It would make everything a little more real. She had always hated hospitals. Too many bad memories. Voight knew that, yet his tone had made it clear he was not joking. But she kept quiet, preparing what she would tell him to get out of this.

They eventually stopped in front of a door where a nurse was already waiting for them. It took her a few seconds but then she recognized her from earlier. Her and Voight had discussed something and now she knew what. He was always one step ahead of her.

"Dr. Greene is already waiting for you, Detective."

She gestured inside the room and smiled. Erin clenched her jaw at what the nurse had just called her, painfully aware of the badge Voight had on his belt whereas she didn't anymore. She shook her head, focusing on Voight, as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"I don't need to go in there." She tried to make her voice sound casual, yet certain. Like it was no big deal. She really didn't need to see a doctor, her cuts would heal in time. "I'm fine."

But unfortunately, he didn't agree with her one bit. In fact, he looked like he had just waited for her to say something. He just knew her too well.

"All right, Erin, listen closely now 'cause I'm only gonna say this once." She was surprised at how calm he sounded. Like he had thought a lot about his choice of words. "I know you don't like this but it's necessary. You're not a child anymore, so quit acting like one." She frowned at him, her lips forming a thin line. There was the emotion she had been waiting for. The anger, the disappointment. But he looked her in the eye and shook his head.

"I'm not mad at you, or punishing you, so don't give me that look. That's not fair. I'm only trying to do what's best for you here, even though you can't see it." He was still talking really clearly and calmly, yet his eyes sparkled with determination. "Because before I say anything else to you - and we will have a talk - I have to make sure you're getting the medical care you obviously need. Now, get your ass in there, kid."

Erin sighed quietly. Fine. She would just have to woman up and get through this. She didn't want Voight yelling at her, didn't need things to get worse than they already were. She didn't like being told what to do but all energy she would usually waste on a discussion like this was long gone. And the situation was already so tense and uncomfortable, she didn't want to risk making him mad. He didn't deserve that. But just when she was about to finally enter the room, he spoke up behind her again, making her turn around.

"You want me to come with you?"

Despite his little speech barely ten seconds ago, he now looked like he just couldn't help but ask her that. Be supportive. He wasn't Voight, her boss right now. He was Hank, the person who had saved her life by taking care of her. But as much as she wanted him to, she thought she had to do this on her own. She didn't want him to see what she had put her body through in the past weeks. It would hurt him even more to see her like this, hear what the doctors would have to say about her. So she shook her head and ignored the voices in her head yelling at her to run.

"No, it's fine.", she replied with the best smile she could manage.

This whole "checking over" process – it took about two and a half hours. Bandages, stitches, x-ray, head CT, blood tests…She got the full work up - and hated every second of it. Erin liked Dr. Greene, they already knew each other from some cases that required Erin to talk to some doctors at Med. But she was still more than glad when she was told they were finally done.

Voight was still right outside, waiting for her. Dr. Greene smiled at him and gave him the short version of what was going on. Erin was glad she left a few details between the two of them.

"…and as I've already discussed with Erin, I'd like her to come in again next week. Just another check up to make sure everything is healing the way it's supposed to. But I'm sure your detective will be as good as new in a couple of weeks, Sergeant."

They both had to hide their cringing as the doctor referred to Erin as a detective. It hurt to be reminded of the moment she gave him her badge.

Voight just nodded at the woman and mumbled a quick "Thanks, doc."

As Dr. Greene then excused herself and walked off, Voight sighed before turning to Erin again and studying her for a moment. It made her uncomfortable and she felt so small under his piercing gaze that she wanted to yell at him to just spit out whatever he might have to say but she simply didn't have the energy left to do so. But he surprised her with his next words.

"Come on, let's go grab something to eat. You're too thin, kid. When was the last time you had some decent food?"

She just shrugged at the question. Dr. Greene had actually told her the same thing. _You need to gain at least a little bit of weight because this is unhealthy. Especially for someone who chases after criminals for a living._ Erin had only half listened to what she had said, didn't think anything mattered right now except Jay getting better – and her getting away from the unit as soon as possible. She had thought about it and decided it was still best to get some space. No matter how she looked at it, that still made the most sense to her.

Voight just nodded like he had expected that kind of "response" about the food from her but still didn't like it at all.

They were about to walk down the hall when Erin heard a familiar voice from behind them. They turned around to see Burgess and Antonio quickly approaching them. Oh, crap.

"Hey, Sarge, we got a new lead on the Klinger case." Antonio announced hurriedly as he came to a halt in front of them. "Seems like there is a connection between Sophie Klinger's murder and a robbery this morning in Marty Klinger's shop just an hour ago. One offender dead, but the other is on his way to the district. Ruzek and Atwater already left to talk to him."

Both Antonio and Burgess looked from Voight to Erin. While Burgess smiled a little and mumbled a quick "Hey, Erin" Antonio chose to ignore her and focus back on Voight. Erin wanted nothing more than a deep black hole to magically appear in the ground and swallow her. But instead, she just avoided eye contact and pretended to find a chart on the wall particularly interesting.

"So what's the plan here?", Antonio pushed, getting impatient.

Voight thought about it while he looked at Erin for a moment. You could almost hear his thoughts racing, torn between staying with her and going to chase that new chance of solving an obviously important case. It felt so…wrong that she had no idea what case this was. It wasn't normal. But what was normal these days? Everything was just a mess.

"All right." He announced with a small sigh. "Erin, you're gonna stay here with Halstead. Burgess, you stay with them." He turned to Antonio and nodded. "Let's go."

Erin wanted to tell him she didn't need a babysitter but then she thought about why he was doing it this way. He was afraid she might run again. To be honest, with all the feelings swirling inside her right now, the current emotional roller coaster – escaping was indeed a thought she had had more than once the past hours now that she thought about it. She wanted to get out of here so badly.

"Call me if anything changes." She heard Voight quietly say to Burgess before him and Antonio quickly walked off, leaving the women still standing in the middle of the hall.

Erin would have probably kept staring at the floor for a few more minutes if Burgess hadn't cleared her throat.

"So, um, you wanna go see Halstead? I'm sure he'd like to see you."

Erin doubted that but she found herself nodding instead, earning a smile from the other woman. They barely knew each other but something about Burgess' natural awkwardness made the situation itself a little less uncomfortable. Burgess didn't treat her any different than usual, always friendly and polite – Erin really appreciated that. It made her feel a little more like herself, something she hadn't felt ever since...you know.

The way back to Jay's room was quiet. Erin braced herself again for what might await her inside. What if he was actually awake this time? What would he do? Or say? What was she supposed to say then? Before she could even further think about it though, Burgess – innocent as she was – immediately pushed the door open and gestured for her to walk in. Erin sighed heavily, instantly regretting that as her ribcage hurt even more than before from all the poking around that Dr. Greene had done, and entered the room. She briefly thought about how she could easily be walking into a morgue now to see his dead body. She still couldn't believe he had almost paid the ultimate price for trying to help her.

That's all she could think about as she made her way over to the chair that was still positioned next to Jay's bed. Burgess was still standing in the doorway, looking a little overwhelmed with the whole situation.

"Hey, I'm gonna be outside, all right? Just call if you need anything."

Erin nodded and followed Burgess with her eyes until she had left the room and closed the door with a soft thud.

As soon as the door clicked shut, she released a deep breath at the relief of not having to face both Voight or Burgess for at least a little while. What a mess. That emotional overload was driving her crazy. At least the headache was slowly fading away as the meds she's gotten apparently started to kick in. But nothing they gave her here could take away the pain inside. The frustration, confusion, but most of all the shame and guilt. The hurt. It was too much for one soul to handle. Her mind kept shutting itself off, she couldn't focus on anything at times. It was the weirdest kind of numbness she had felt in her entire life – and that was saying a lot.

Erin tried to find a more comfortable position in that chair but hospitals weren't exactly famous for their nice furniture. She gave up after a few moments, though, because her body didn't like all the awkward movements at all. She just felt nauseous. So she leaned forward and rested her head in her hands, trying to breathe properly. It helped after a while so she just stayed in that position. But she was so focused on her breathing, so eager to forget the rest of the world around her that she didn't realize someone was watching her now.

"You okay?"

She froze, not daring to move a muscle. Even her heart skipped a beat before it began pounding faster than ever in her chest. She didn't trust her hearing. His voice had been so quiet that she thought she could have imagined it. But when she slowly lifted her face from the palm of her hands, she was met directly with Jay's strikingly blue eyes.

Erin kept staring at him with wide eyes, his small question still ringing in her ears. For ten horrifying seconds it felt like she had forgotten how to breathe. She couldn't rip her eyes off of his face. And then he smiled a little at her and that's when she couldn't take it anymore. She just lost it.

Every single emotion she hadn't allowed herself to feel came rushing back all at once with full force. She just began to sob uncontrollably, feeling like she could suffocate any moment. The waves of sobs that radiated through her bruised body felt like sharp knife stabs every single time but she just couldn't do anything about it.

She leaned forward and buried her forehead in the side of the mattress of his bed. The images playing in her head now were pure horror. Not just the recent stuff flashed before her eyes. No. Everything. The sight of Nadia going through withdrawal the first time. Her father, slapping her across the face, the last time she ever saw him. The face of Greg Yates. Her view over Jay's shoulder at Nadia's pale and motionless face. Bunny screaming at her. The look on Voight's face when he asked her if he could still count on her. Teddy crying as he told her about the stuff he had gone though while she had been taken care of. Her badge in Voight's hand as he turned around to leave. The lifeless eyes of the boy she had watched being killed last night. And so many more haunting moments of her life. Yes, _everything_ came rushing back.

Erin thought she had boxed all of those memories and locked them away a long time ago. But here she was, unable to stop crying. It hurt so much. Couldn't anyone just make it stop?

She sobbed even harder as she suddenly felt a soft hand gently touch her shoulder. As she fought the images in her head, she tried to focus on his hand, that small connection. She tried so desperately to hold onto it to keep from drowning. And it actually worked after a while and she eventually stopped coughing and gasping for air but she still didn't open her eyes. Her body was drained of energy, the turmoil of the past weeks finally fully catching up with her. She didn't trust herself to look at him, afraid of breaking down all over again because he was just too good. Of course he would ask about her being all right while _he_ was actually the one lying in a hospital bed.

But her thoughts were spinning, she couldn't fight neither the dizziness nor the pain nor the exhaustion any longer. So she finally gave in and leaned even more on the bed, resting her head on her arms as she drifted into a restless slumber. But the sound of his quiet voice was still ringing in her ears. _You okay?_

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading! I won't give you any specific days for the next updates anymore cause I'm obviously terrible at meeting a deadline -.- But the next chapters are already half written, it definitely won't take me _months_ to upload them again :D**


	16. I need you to make it

**A/N: Hey, y'all and Happy Easter! Glad to hear you guys still like this story, always nice to read your kind reviews. :) And thank you for exactly 40,000 hits *0* that's pretty awesome!**

 **Sorry again for the delay, I promise I'll work on updating more frequently as I have tons of time now that I'm almost done with school. I have been staring at this fanfic every single day for the past two months (even though I barely updated, I know) so I'm still not abandoning it!** **My personal goal is to upload the next chapter next week but don't quote me on that! :'D**

 **Also, it's almost 2am here now so I'm pretty sure there must be some typos or grammar mistakes I missed. But please enjoy and tell me what you think!**

 **-Dana**

 **PS: Don't ever google facial wound images – even if you just wanna know what kind of freakin' bandage would be used as research for your stupid fanfic! Oh and the same goes for gunshot wounds! Just don't do it unless you absolutely have to! _I saw some disturbing things *-*_**

* * *

 **Chapter 15: I need you to make it**

 _ **(Jay's P.O.V.)**_

Jay had seen and experienced some stuff in his life. Sad and shocking and unspeakably cruel things. Moments he would never forget, that would haunt him forever. But none of that had prepared him for the heartbreak he felt now. Waking up in a hospital bed, unable to properly move yet, and having to watch Erin break down right in front of him had just been pure torture. There was no other way to describe it. Worse than any physical wound. He had never experienced anything like this before. So…disturbing. Devastating. And even though he was sure she had cried herself to sleep now, the heartbreaking sound of her sobs still rang in his ears. It made him want to cry with her.

Now, Jay thought he got a glimpse of what it might look like inside Erin's head. For the first time – maybe ever – she had shown him her true feelings. Horribly painful and overwhelming emotions she had tried to bury so hard but they had been there for weeks, trying to get through to the surface. Ever since that day he shot worried glances her way as she stared out of the plane window with the devastated and numb expression of someone whose hopes of bringing a dear friend home had been crushed. He had watched her struggle, had watched her lose that battle against all of those completely normal emotions. Nobody should ever bottle up their true feelings like that. Jay had learned that the hard way years ago after – well, let's just say he swore himself to always try to face his emotions rather than run from them. It was the only way he knew not to go insane. The only way to survive.

He looked down at his friend's sleeping form. She was facing away from him, her head awkwardly resting on her arms on the mattress of his bed while she still somehow sat on that chair. It didn't look very comfortable, to say the least. He felt the urge to place a blanked over her shoulders or get her a pillow or just let her sleep in this bed instead of him. He was fine, really. She was not. But at least she could finally get some rest.

Jay shook his head, wondering how it had gotten to this point. It all went downhill so fast. Weeks ago, everything had been fine. All it took was a nasty case and a sick psycho killer to change so many lives. But somehow he was full of hope that it could change again – for the better. Because despite everything, he actually had to suppress a small smirk at the fact that Erin was now peacefully asleep next to him, hadn't run off yet even though he was pretty sure she must have had the opportunity to do that. No, she had chosen to stay right here beside him. That alone was a clear sign to Jay. A cry for help. For guidance. Maybe she regretted coming to him the other night, maybe she had been too shocked and scared and _drugged_ to even realize she had wanted his help. But she was still here. And he was glad she was. The alternative was too horrible to picture. Because he was pretty sure that if she had run off at some point this morning – that would have been it. A self-inflicted death sentence. Man, he was really glad she had chosen to stay.

Jay rather clumsily tried to move a little as his muscles were aching from being in the same position for so many hours already. And he instantly regretted that as a sharp jolt of pain suddenly radiated through his torso. Damn, he was such an idiot. And to be honest, he actually deserved this as a punishment for his recklessness earlier today. He had been trained to do better than that and he should have anticipated Travis' move. This would never have happened on any other day. He had just been so focused on catching that bastard, not thinking about how to actually handle him. Or maybe he was just making up excuses now. Well, it was all a blur and thinking about it now gave Jay a subtle headache – despite all the pain meds that he knew were in his system right now. It was simply not worth replaying that moment over and over again, thinking about how he could have saved himself the trouble of taking that bullet. He was certain he'd later hear all about it from Voight anyway. Great.

He sighed and tried to focus on Erin again, wondering how long she had been out of it now while he had been thinking about...well, everything, really. His left hand was still placed on her shoulder, never breaking the contact he needed as much as she did.

And now that he was looking at her, he wondered how exactly _her_ morning must have looked like. He scanned the room with his eyes and eventually found what he was looking for: his watch that someone must've placed on his bedside table. Almost 3pm. She must have been here for quite a while before he had woken up earlier. His eyes wandered over the carious bandages on her hand and neck. He couldn't see it now because of her awkward position but he remembered some kind if tape or something on her face earlier to take care of those nasty cuts and bruises. He knew she would never have voluntarily seen a doctor about this, she had made that clear the other night. She was too scared, too proud, too embarrassed maybe? And Jay only knew one person who could have convinced her to do it anyways.

Now that he thought about that, it was so obvious that Voight must have already talked to her, given the amount of time he estimated she'd spent here. He could only imagine how awful she must have felt during that conversation. But where was his Sergeant, anyway? What exactly had he discussed with Erin already? So many uncertainties and questions plagued Jay about all of this mess. How would the next days look like for all of them, the next weeks? What would Voight do? After the way he'd acted in the past weeks, Jay found it pretty hard to estimate his boss' actions – which he didn't like at all.

Jay leaned back into the warm pillow, winced as his shoulder felt like it had been repeatedly run over by a truck, and stared at the white ceiling – his thoughts drifting off again. Maybe he was crazy to feel this strongly about her, to worry so much. It was insane. He knew she was far from perfect. In fact, she made so many mistakes already – mistakes that he knew of. Her past, the things she's been through as a kid, the stuff she's seen and done – he was certain he only knew the smallest percentage of what she carried around with her every single day. He knew her, yet he felt like he didn't know her at all at the same time.

But who doesn't have baggage? Some had more to deal with than others, but still. Jay didn't like the word but someone had used it once to describe _him_ : damaged. He'd been called a 'damaged soul', to be exact. And no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, he couldn't deny the fact that there was some truth behind those words. Maybe he would have to deal with his own crap before trying to help anyone else. But then this realization hit him. Help Erin. That's all he really wanted. Simple as that.

He might have some things he'd like to tell her, things that she might not have even realized. The way she'd hurt him, the way she'd hurt Voight, how she should have talked to them. So many little things as well. In a weak moment, he feared those things – the anger at both himself and her – would surface in a way that would hurt her. He knew he had to take his own advice and have this unpleasant conversation with her some day, but for now, he was willing to focus on all the reasons why he still wanted to fight for her. That was quite easy actually but then again, maybe the current drug induced drowsiness he felt played a minor role in this.

A soft sigh and the moving of the sheets ripped him from his thoughts and he suddenly found tired eyes glancing up at him. She looked away after a split second though and ran a hand through her hair. He then waited and watched as Erin tried to cover up the way she winced as she forced herself into a sitting position, slowly leaning back against the back of the chair. She rubbed her eyes clumsily, probably feeling worse than before this nap given the position she'd passed out in.

Jay tried to sit up a little himself and soon settled for a half-lying, half-sitting position as that hurt his sore torso the least. He looked at her as she stared at her lap, not meeting his eyes, shoulders tense. She looked so tiny in his hoodie he noticed she was still wearing. After a few moments, she cleared her throat.

"Jay, I'm so sorry." Her voice was raw and husky, so he had to listen carefully to her words.

"I know." He nodded, knew she meant those words. "But everybody makes mistakes. That's okay."

At those last two words, she suddenly tiled her head to look at him in disbelief and a hint of anger. "No it's not and you know it. You'd be better off without me. All of you guys. I'm really sorry." So much bitterness. Now it was Jay's turn to be a little irritated. He'd had enough of this.

"See, that's where you're _wrong_." His voice was clear, no doubt in his mind that she had to hear what he had to say now, once and for all.

"Without you I'd be dead. You saved my life so many times already. You have to stop thinking so badly of yourself. Or you're gonna get yourself killed." Erin winced at the intensity of his voice. It made her listen, so he continued, knowing he couldn't stop now even if it hurt.

"I had this friend once back with the Rangers. Mouse and I hung out with him a lot. But Afghanistan did horrible things to his mind. He blamed himself for the death of two guys. But it really wasn't his fault. Well, it was just not a great day. It's…it's a long story. When we came back home a few weeks later, I had my hands full with my mom's funeral so I didn't really have the time to think about my friends much. Michael – that was his name - he began drinking. Became an alcoholic. Not six months later, I got an invitation to his funeral. He, um, he had crashed his car, drunk. His family is still not over that loss. His mom was dealing with depression. I know that because I reached out to her on his anniversary two years ago."

He paused for a moment, releasing a deep breath. He had never told anyone that story except for Will. He looked at Erin, seeing how she swallowed hard and pressed her lips firmly together. Her muscles were tense, he could tell. She hadn't expected this little story, he could definitely see that. She couldn't bear to hear all this. But he continued on, had to get to the point of this.

"So, I really hope you get why I'm telling you all of this now. Voight and Al and Platt and everybody else - we all need you to make it. I need you to make it, Erin." His voice got a little louder now. "So, for god's sake, please just stop thinking you're a bad person. You're not. Nobody blames you for what happened to Nadia or to that kid or whatever else it might be that you're blaming yourself for. It was not your fault, not more than mine. You save and protect people. That's who you are."

As he met her hazel eyes, he saw nothing but pain and sorrow. He missed the spark they had once held. That fire.

She opened her mouth but no words came and she closed it again, releasing a shaky breath. Her face was reddening and he realized she was fighting the tears that were beginning to shine in the corner of her eyes. She tried to say something again, but she still didn't seem to find her voice. He was glad he was within reach of her hand, so he bent over ignoring the pain and placed it on the mattress beside him. He squeezed her knuckles reassuringly, looking directly at her.

"Hey, you don't have to say anything. Just think about it, all right?"

She nodded and took a deep breath once again, staring at his hand on top of hers. He leaned back into the pillow and closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't want to show Erin too much but as soon as he had finished his little speech, all the energy and adrenaline seemed to have left his body. He was so tired and exhausted all of a sudden, feeling the full impact of this morning's events. It was that damn medication. It numbed his body and made him terribly tired. And now that he'd told her what he needed to say, maybe it would be okay to just lie there for a while. Usually, he hated to seem…vulnerable. Not in front of anyone. But somehow it seemed okay now. She of all people would understand, right?

Besides, Jay was positive she wouldn't want to talk now anyway. He still heard her soft breathing, felt her cold fingers underneath his hand, heard the creaking of the chair she was still sitting on every time she shifted her weight a little. Simply feeling her presence made him relax more than he wanted to. Eventually, after what felt like hours, he couldn't fight it any longer and darkness clouded his mind as he drifted off into a light, dreamless slumber.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for reading! I feel like that Linstead conversation last week has kind of influenced this a bit, at least some of Jay's thoughts here...I don't know. Anyways,** **I've got an important question:**

 **Do you guys want me to include Dr Charles somewhere in future chapters? I could use some of your ideas about that :)**

 **And I'd really like for you to send me more of your thoughts on what should happen next or what you would like to see more and stuff ;) That'd be awesome.**


	17. Author's Note

**A/N: Hi. Since people occasionally still like and even review this story, I thought I should at least let you know that it's very unlikely that I'll continue this. I was very proud of this and it was so much fun but I don't even watch the show anymore now that she's gone. And I haven't written any fics in forever. I hate when people just abandon half-finished fics but it just kinda happened.  
**

 **But I will say that if whoever is still reading this wants at least a proper last chapter or two, I could maybe give that a try. But it's been a while. Of course I still have all of my notes and documents but I don't know. Let me know.**

 **Happy Holidays, guys ;)**

 **-Dana**


End file.
